AUTHOR'S CORNER;

WE'RE AGEING BEAUTIFULLY DARLINGS!

I am either deluded or suffering from what I like to call Time Warp Entrapment Syndrome!  For it fills me with great shock and insurmountable horror whenever I happen to be brave enough to try on an outfit in 'modern' clothes shops!  The image that looks back at me reminds me acutely of a certain aunt from my childhood, only dressed inappropriately in brightly coloured tight attire, she stares back at me through my own eyes, mocking me with a haggard smile and a slightly overweight body.  And yet I find myself, on many a deluded shopping trip, doing just that!  I have an image of myself in my mind's eye which is somehow stuck in my teenage years and regardless of what my many mirrors are telling me, I seem to miss the point!  

Not old, by far, but one must admit that whilst youth has not yet left me, it is certainly sparing and beginning to be thin on the ground when it comes to bestowing itself upon me.  I suppose I am in that middle period of my life, where I can still remember with great clarity my teenage years, and yet can see my own children enacting them.  It seems mismatched somehow to feel like a teenager yourself and yet have to deal with teenage offspring. Reality hits you and you can no longer delude yourself when your own children are in turning twenty (no matter how young you've had them) and remind you of you!

So I put this concern to my friends over a coffee morning and hoped for some confirmation as to how I was feeling.  Hoping to share my concerns and get some reassurance that I was not the only one, proved to be a harder task than I had imagined.  For once again, I had given them all a platform on which to try and outwit and outshine and out-youth me!  

Fashion Editor kicked off the discussion as she smirked at me and flicked her bobbed hair from side to side, 'Huh, I don't feel old at all,' she said.  'I am young and vibrant and very much active!' she looked at me and grinned like a Cheshire cat.  'I guess you're feeling your age Sam?' she asked.  My age?  Hang on, she's older than me, I know this, because she once told me so!   

Before I had a chance to answer Gym Instructor jumped in, 'Well, I guess Sam would feel it more, all she does is sit on her bum all day at that desk of hers!' she said.  'Youth only stays for those who cherish it!' she smirked.  

'I guess lack of exercise is beginning to show on you Sam, why don't you join the gym, we have a special class for people like you!'  Cheeky mare! I gave her a frosty smile that could curdle milk and turned my face away from her swiftly, cranking my neck in the process, which I may add, did not work in my favour, it only served to make Gym Instructor smirk.

'Well,' said Teacher, as she entered the room with a tray of tea,(no doubt she has been listening from the kitchen and eager to get in on the fun. 'it's all about keeping a young agile mind, Sam, if you think old, you will be old!'  She handed me a poisoned cup of tea and stared hard into my eyes.  'I guess all that writing has grounded you right down!' she looked at the others for support.  'I keep young because I am always around young people, they keep me young.  You on the other hand, stuck at home, writing!'  

'My kids keep me young,' chimed Housewife.  Kids?  They are as old as my kids; she mothers them like babies!!  'I love running around after them, preparing their meals, tidying their rooms, running their baths!'  OMG!  They are grown men!!!   'And I love to pay attention to my husband, which is what you're neglecting Sam, your relationship, of course you feel old; what is life without a happy relationship? If only you stop this silliness about writing and concentrate more on them, perhaps your youth might be restored,' she said as she hammered in yet another nail in the coffin, 'You've made yourself old with worrying about silly things like writing!' she declared. 

'And keeping active, Sam, and I don't mean sport, I mean doing something worthwhile,' said Nurse in motherly tones.  'Look at me, ever since I have retrained and become a nurse, the life force has come back to me, it is so refreshing helping others!'

She looked me up and down and laughed (cackled) 'Honestly Sam,' she said.  'You should have retrained after your kids went to school, you could have been something worthwhile!'  I think I am going to have to assess my friendship with Nurse spiteful!

 'May I remind you,' I finally said (spitting venom and hot tea) 'I am actually only older than on of you, younger than three of you and the same age as the other!  I have four children, two of them are grown up, and have not done so badly on the relationship front, thank you very much!  I married young, and had them young and I am not that old!!'

They looked at me in dismay for a few moments; it was make or break for our friendship, and I had a feeling there was a small crack running through the core of the base of our union.  I stared back in defiance and waited for some sort of apology.  If I was old, so were they!

Teacher held out her hand and I found myself taking it, 'You are so lovely and inspiring,' she said.  'You know we all think so?'

'I don't know why you worry so,' said Fashion Editor.  'Everyone gets on a bit!' 

'And you have done so well for yourself,' said Housewife.  'You've raised a family and you've become a writer!  I envy you,' she sniffed.

'And it is easy to keep yourself fit, why don't you join the gym?' asked Gym Instructor.  'We have beginner Zumba 

classes, and I'm sure you'll enjoy them!'

'Sam, Sam,' reassured Nurse.  'Oh Sam, honey, we all feel it, but it's a part of life.  Now do cheer up, you are still lovely, and you know it!'

I sniffed back my threatening tears and looked at all my lovely, clever, youthful friends and smiled.  As long as they are in my life, I don't have to worry about a thing, or even prove anything; for they all love and cherish me, if if they are a little catty, a bit vicious and a tad spiteful when it comes to showing it!  And age is only a number, and numbers are a none existent in an infinite universe!

This Job Comes With a Warning!

AUTHOR'S CORNER;

THIS JOB COMES WITH A WARNING!

So you want to be a writer?  You have that itch and you simply need to portray to the world the talent and wisdom you possess. You can see yourself gracing the literary world and possibly enhancing all of mankind with your words of insightful wisdom.  You can see the literary red carpet spread itself ahead of you as you take your first baby steps down the walk of author fame; friends, family and enemies alike will be helpless but to admire you and love you... oh how they'll love you!

Wonderful, great news - go for it.  But before you do, be warned; this job does not come without its risks.  Risks that only the well established, well sunk in and completely invested writers know only too well.  So before you take up your mighty (metaphorical) pen, please take a moment to read the possible side effects;

1. By nature of the job and obsessive, compulsive storytelling madness, all writers are addicts in one form or another, they smoke, drink coffee or chew on food continuously throughout their working day!  If you should experience signs of addictions, try to go for long walks to clear your head.

2. Sleepless nights may be experienced, especially when a story has taken hold and the plot is thickening!  You will think about your novel day and night, night and day and if you do manage to fall asleep, you'll dream about it all night long!  Seek assistance through alcoholic sleeping beverages! 

3. No matter how good you are at writing, no matter how talented you may be, rejection will come to you in numerous occasions by the very same people who actually make a living by promoting people like you.  One of the main reasons you will hear is that although you are talented, your writing is witty and style is unique, they can not place you among the same, same numerous writers that are out there! In the event of this occurrence, simply disregard their advice.

4. Frustration will start to seep into your everyday life.  Anger too, you will become an angry person!  if this occurs, take a cold shower and have a little nap.

5. You may feel like packing it all in, thus you are in danger of inflicting injury on your computer; don't do that, computers are expensive!

6.  Due to compulsively working in your office day in and day out, your office may resemble a rubbish tip; this is a common side effect of the writing profession, if this happens seek immediate domestic attention!

7. In some cases your relationship may suffer as a result of prolonged writing. In this event, seek counselling and take a vacation with your spouse, the symptoms should subside in a few weeks.

8. On very rare occasions the writer may suffer from delusional arrogance, this is normally a side effect of becoming lost in your own mind. If symptoms persist consult your mother.

9.  One in a hundred aspiring authors may experience signs of tinkering madness, this should pass within a year or so, drink plenty of wine.

10. In severe cases an aspiring author may experience symptoms of sudden reality jumping up at them, this should be handled carefully and expert advice should be sought immediately.

Good Luck and enjoy your new profession.

YOU ARE NOT MAD, YOU ARE A WRITER!

AUTHOR'S CORNER;

YOU ARE NOT MAD, YOU ARE A WRITER!

Ever questioned your sanity?  Have you ever stopped for a second, a God damn split hair of a second and stared at your computer screen and wondered if you are actually normal?

I mean, what are you doing?  Banging away at your keyboard obsessively day in day out, like you are possessed by some satanic force, getting involved in fictional lives which seem to be far more important than the real world around you?  What for?  How for?  These characters that have sucked you into their wretched web and kept you there for almost a year, compelling you to go on... to go on with their lives, whilst yours comes to a metaphorical halt.  Surely insanity is as insanity does, right?  You have abandoned living to bring them to life.

Will people like it? - You don't know.  Will it sell? - You don't know.  Do you have a publisher yet?  If so, will they like it? - You really don't know; do you?

But you still write every single day, relentlessly, as though you were digging for treasure, people laugh, some tut in marvel, others (and only a few) admire you.  But you don't care, you can see the story and it must be told!

Regardless of the consequences, which in itself leaves you quite nervous and a bit snappy!  You have a vision and it must be seen through the eyes of the world!  Are you unstable, have you finally (just as your great aunt had once predicted over a distant Christmas Dinner) gone mad?

Relax, you are not mad, you are a writer! Yep, you read it right, a writer, which I dare say by nature may portray signs of madness, but not actually quite doolally, (though my advice would be to keep an eye on yourself; it could flip) and by your nature your mind kinda looks like an overcrowded library.  You are probably well read, well versed in language and your imagination never asks for permission to soar through the iris of your eye and onto a page!  

You see, writers are the sort of people that only believe what their mind's eye sees and live through the confusion of their brains, allowing the noises, senses, indulgence and fantasies to dictate their whole existence.  No one is forcing us to work our fingers to the bone, typing away on our keyboards, no one is paying us (well, not yet) for all our tireless efforts, yet we do it; and not only for the love of it, but because we have a vision, a story has formed and it needs to be told.  We have magic, yes that's right magic, because with our magic we create worlds, we inspire readers, we nudge the emotions and awaken the compassion.  This, is our gift to the world.  

And (yes I did start the sentence with 'and', but I'm the author, I can do as I please) we see the world in shadows, because everywhere we look, each person we see, we are able to pull from them the shadows of their essence, the shadows of their likes and dislikes, the shadows of their life in technicolor! We have the gift of sight, sight into the soul of characters.  And every writer will tell you, people are author's material, all characters stem from someone we have encountered, albeit enlarged and magnified.  

Our words, our pages, our finished books -  magic, wonder and insight!  So no, we are not mad, we have not gone insane. And even if no one ever reads our books, even if we never become among the few that are famous; You are not mad, you are a writer, you are magic!

AUTHOR'S CORNER;

WRITING, THE BEAUTIFUL SIDE!

We always moan about the solitary and frankly boring side to being a writer; all those days, weeks, months or even years, stuck in a poky room, with nobody to talk to, pounding away at your keyboard, wondering if you are actually writing something publishable or a whole load of rubbish!  There is no gratitude to writing; it is not a craft which easily rewards you and it often goes unnoticed and is accompanied by an awful lot of rejection.  It instils a desperate feeling of dejection in a person and is riddled with self loathing, self doubt and very low self esteem!  

One can't help but feel a bit foolish when one is attempting to become an international author.  After all, until you have actually made it as an international, well acclaimed author, nobody actually knows a thing about....in fact, they don't even really know about you!  Think of all the metaphorical bleeding one does from their fingertips and their heart, just to churn out a novel, and even then, there is more bleeding to be done, in the form of editing and receiving many rejection letters!  Who in their right mind would choose this as a profession?  You might as well visit the zoo and jump into the lion's cage; it will be less painful in the long  run!

But wait, let's not paint the picture completely black; black pictures have no meaning and often the artistic point is completely missed!  Yes, yes, all of the above is true; writing is a bitter sweet slow death that must only be attempted by the very brave or the suicidal! But there is a good side to writing, a beautiful, magical and amazing side which only true writers fully appreciate and understand; that's why they keep doing it!

Unlike the other so called artistic professions, you can age to your heart's content!  Writers do not need to look fabulous, or young, or pretty or even presentable!  In fact a writer's persona is like a good wine, the older it looks the better people expect it to be!

This is one of the few jobs which you can actually use age as a bonus to your C.V. a sort of qualification and merit to your position!

It is the only job in the world which allows you about a thousand coffee breaks a day! try that in your office job or your retail job and see how long you'll last!

 

How many jobs do you know which allow you to talk to yourself, read to yourself and basically crack inappropriate jokes whenever you feel like it, not to mention swearing?

You can combine art with knowledge and experience and be the mad scientist of your own little insane world without being in danger of being committed to an institute!

If needs be, you can hang out in the seediest places without your partner batting an eyelid, all in the name of literary research!

This job gives you licence to eat whenever and however you like!  In fact it is a requirement of the job!

The nature of this profession comes with a lot of hope and optimism; just because you ain't made it yet doesn't mean you won't!

The best thing about this job, is that your family can't put a deadline on how long you take to actually finish your work! Once you are sat at that desk (even if you are brain dead) you are officially working!

The added bonus, is that you know that no matter how long it takes you to make it as a writer, no matter how slow it is to get that best seller out there, your friends, family and neighbours are helpless but to watch you try and make it, feel jealous in the process and admire your conviction from a distance!