AUTHOR'S CORNER;

TEN REASONS TO BREAK UP WITH A WRITER!

As I glanced over at my husband yesterday, I realised with great fear and total dread, that I must be the luckiest woman alive.  WHY?  It is not because he is the richest man alive, or of the Brad Pitt variety.  He is not the most placid guy in the world, and he can pack a verbal punch in an argument!  Yes he does have his niggling annoying habits and sometimes he gets on my nerves! So why am I probably the luckiest woman on the planet?  

This is why....

The man is mostly always certainly frustrated in my presence! 

I don't blame him, he has good reason to be frustrated, he is the victim not me!  You see my poor husband happens to be one of life's poor souls who is married to a writer!  Yes people, you heard me, writer!  Those victims of literature (as I like to call them) have done nothing wrong and yet they have to suffer temperamental, loud, self obsessed spouses every waking moment of their sad little lives!  And lets face it, they did not sign up for any of this when they married us, they didn't know, nobody told them!  YES, THEY WERE TRICKED! 

For shortly after those unsuspecting souls said 'I do,' their entire lives took on a rather empty and on the outside kind of existence, never quite knowing where they stand from day to day and tiptoeing around their partner as if they were a time bomb, ready to go off.  And in keeping with my observation and fair assessment on how grateful I am to my beloved for staying with me for so long (even longer from his prospective) I have compiled a list as to why those poor souls are justified in leaving their writer spouse.

WARNING; THE FOLLOWING MAY BE OFFENSIVE TO FELLOW WRITERS.

1.   The Obsession with the story line.  

All your writer spouse thinks, breathes, and feels is the story.  They even interact better with their fictional characters than they do with you!  To them, you are the fiction!

2.     The mood swings. 

One minute they are  as happy as pie, the next they 

are pulling their own hair out and screaming obscenities at you, for no apparent reason.  Of course there is a reason, they probably feel frustrated about their work.

3.     The writer's block.

 Probably one of the worst syndrome a spouse will experience when dealing with a writer!  The BLOCK, is a steal wall which descends from nowhere and clamps down on everything.  In short, your spouse is not just blocked where it comes to his/her writing, no, they are blocked in all aspects of life.  They do not want to communicate, they can't be bothered to wash, shave, dress, and in severe cases, will not get out of bed.  They do not want to spend time, they do not care for television, and romance is OFF the menu!!  When your spouse is BLOCKED, your life is also blocked, and many a cold, lonely, darkened night you shall face!



4.     The need for legal and yet quite lethal and disgusting drugs!

Yes, you are married to a junkie!  they may not take hard drugs, they may not itch and skunk about the place; but they are definitely addicts.  They guzzle coffee by the barrel load, and they smoke (well most of them do, or they did) like a chimney!  Soon your home starts to resemble a private detective office from a fifties movie!







5.     They are very messy people.

 
Basically, tidy is not a word in a writer's vocabulary!  If you happen to be married to one, you need to hire a cleaner!

6.      They can go completely and utterly loony!

Basically all writers (yes all) have a degree of wacky insanity.  The danger lies is when that writer becomes punch drunk on his/her writing and starts to become totally irrational!  Before you know it your spouse is a raving lunatic who is jumping from one subject to another, shouting, laughing, crying.....don't worry, just give them a pill and put them to bed.






7.  Their perils (yes, I said perils) of wisdom!

All writers think that they are somewhat of an oracle, they are convinced that they and only they have the ability to see the world with insight and wisdom.  Oh God help you if ever they catch you unaware; the hours they'll spend giving you the benefit of their wisdom!

8.   Their obsession with the post.

Once your spouse has sent off his/her manuscript, there starts a new phase in which you will have to endure for the next THREE months; your spouse's unhealthy obsession with the post.  From then onwards, you will experience incidences where your spouse will run ahead of you to the front door when they hear the postman.  Where your spouse will fight you over letters in much the same way an over excited dog will bite and snarl at letters in you hand.

9.     Sleepless nights.

 Once the process of manuscript has been sent and publisher's response is awaited, you will then enter a whole new phase with your writer spouse; sleepless nights!  Whereby your lovely writer spouse will endeavour to keep you up all night by tossing and turning and huffing and puffing and asking silly questions such as 'Do you think the manuscript arrived safely?'  How the hell would you know?

10.     The fights....oh the fights!

You are frustrated, they are frustrated....You are wrong!!  of course you are, otherwise that will make your wonderful writer spouse wrong and we can't have that, can we?  Your spouse will tell you that you lack understanding for their art, that you do not appreciate how hard they work and have no concept of what talent is.  You of course will retaliate and tell them that you perfectly understand their arty farty ways and wish that you  could have somebody to support you whilst you messed about with a 'book'  and no, they  do not work hard at all!  

Oh dear!

  

AUTHOR'S CORNER;

THE MAD HATTER'S TEA PARTY

Has anyone ever watched a Bollywood movie and noticed that the script is airing a little on the impossible, the crazy and down right nonsensical?  Yes, and yet we (those of us lucky enough to have had the experience of sitting through such movies, albeit with subtitles) have found those wacky films too mesmerising to walk away from; the plot was so ridiculous that we simply felt compelled to watch till the end!  Which brings me neatly to my point; some of the best movies, some of the best plays, the best books and indeed the best works of art, have been airing on the ridiculous and almost insane ensemble that have kept the curious attention of many!  In short, the wilder, madder and more daring the entertainment, the more popular!

WHY?  

SIMPLE; people like the extraordinary, people want to be thrilled, excited, even frightened if needs be.  They don't want life, they know life, they know the humdrum of life - they live it every single day of their lives!  They want something daring, something that is not likely to happen to them, something that they can only relate to through their imagination and their deep seated, suppressed emotions and slightly, secret warped minds!  

I know that when I go out of my way to buy a DVD for the evening, I want something that is not going to resemble the type of life that I already have, because quite frankly, that would be boring.  If I wanted to watch my life, I could watch my microwave as my frozen dinner for one spins round and round!  

Much the same for books, I want to read about a heroin who is not me, I want to read about people who have more guts than I ever could, defy all odds, break through barriers and do the outrageous without worrying about consequences.  In a book, the heroin can fall in love with that drug baron from Havana and help fight his henchmen, who have turned on him, so that he can see the light and go on the straight and narrow!  And yes, bullets to the heart can actually strengthen love and people can live happily ever after!  And Batman might be real, why can't he?  And why shouldn't Superman love Lois?  It's not like there are other aliens around!

Just why shouldn't the world get curiouser and curiouser?  Why can't Alice go to Wonderland?

You see, as writers we should not be afraid to air on the adventurous, the ridiculous, the crazy imagination that ignites and fuels people's emotions and fills them with excitement!  

Your pen is you entire world within the tips of your fingers, don't use it to be safe, use it to be unsafe!  Be daring, be naughty, be bad!  Be very, very bad!  Don't worry about finding your reader; your reader will find you!  Just write, use the gift that God gave you, your imagination, and excite and thrill those who dare to read your work!  Be different, because at the end of the day, that's what most readers want!  The most successful books have been those that are a little different, examples, Harry Potter, The Da Vinci Code, Twilight and need I state the obvious - Alice In Wonderland!  All have thrilled and excited people and most importantly fired up the imagination!

You are a writer, so write, don't think about what people may think, instead concentrate on your own thinking, be spontaneous and be

free with it.  Because every writer has something to say, and it is best said when there are no boundaries to the imagination.  Because in the world of imagination, there are no rules, no laws of gravity and no impossibilities, if you can see it, others will!

AUTHOR'S CORNER;

BLOCKED IN SIBERIA

So the snow has finally arrived and I am sat at my desk which is in front of a big window which looks out onto my front garden!  It is snowing and the ground outside is covered in a peculiar shade of white!  I use the word peculiar freely, as white is normally quite a normal colour and usually there is absolutely nothing strange about it.  However on this occasion, the white seems to be quite offensive and somewhat disturbing.  I would go as far as to call this shade of white aggressive, but then I would only appear quite neurotic and a little disturbed!  And since my sanity has long been questioned by my husband and other members of my family, I shan't make a song and dance about the shade of white which seems to present itself in a rather challenging manner outside my window!
I shall instead tackle the matter at hand; my sudden and unexpected writer's block which has managed to take hold with the first flake that cheerfully glided past my window and settled happily upon a twig!

The snow, being my enemy since adolescence; whereby I lived in central London amongst the pollution and grime and crowded streets, was presented to me in a slushy, icy, slippery, dirt ridden, traitorous manner.  I found making my way back and forth in it quite a painstaking task, and after a few nasty slippery, grime-covered falls, developed somewhat of a phobia!  There was nothing delightful about the snow, nothing enchanting or amusing about London snow.  It was not pure white and fluffy, instead, left for a day, and it turned a sort of chewing gum grey, stiff, sharp and icy!  And mother did have a damn long shopping list whenever it snowed, and sent me out in stages to purchase her necessities! Why mother, why?  she has ingrained complexes in my mind which will last with me forever!

 For memories of traitorous roads, falling and skidding along a slippery pavement whilst the sounds of anonymous laughter filled the air from neighbouring flats as    shopping went flying in all directions, still haunt me to this very day!  How cruel people can be!  Not to mention the state that I was in by the time I arrived home, with frozen fingers and chaffed eyelids!  Only to be sent out again some half an hour later because MOTHER needed some milk!!

I try very hard to get myself in the writing spirit, but fail miserably; my senses are injured by the sight of the snow and somewhat blocked as the offensive white stuff keeps falling outside my window, promising days of misery and landlocked delight!  I try very hard to be inspired and think of various scenarios to my novel; but I am failing.  It is a shame, as my novel was going really well, and the twist was about to come and the ending was near!  

I make myself a third cup of coffee and sigh hopelessly at the snow!

But wait, something has happened, I shall air on the insanity of my madness and share with you ... My heroin has just come to me, all fierce and fired up; she is as sexy as ever and looks positively evil!  'Come on Sam,'she says as she slithers up beside me.  'Look at all this magnificent snow,' she blows hot breath in my direction.  'We could have a lot of fun in this snow.  We could get revenge on that ex-lover of mine; I could kill him behind a snowy bush and cocoon him inside a snowman, no one will be any the wiser until the snow melts!' she cackles wickedly.  'Come on Sam,' she coaxes.  'Surely you can write me a great plot, I can finally get revenge on that love rat, you wrote so yourself!  I could skin him alive in the cold icy snow and bury his carcass in the snowy ground!  Or better still I could push him down a slippery hill and break a few bones!'  My heroin sat upon my desk and crossed her legs, she leaned over and looked me dead in the eye.  'We could leave him out in sub-zero temperatures and let him freeze to death, slowly and painfully!'

'I shoo my heroin away, if I start to engage with my characters out of books than I'll really have to worry about my sanity, (though my husband would urge me to worry now) and all sorts of wires will be crossed and the barrier between reality and imagination will open up and all hell will break loose!  I shoo my heroin away, but she persists, 'Don't you know that snow is evil?' she asks as she winks at me.  'Snow brings things to a halt, it makes what is warm cold and icy and mutes the planet, the aggressor of mankind, it is the taker of life, it is the fallen angel that spreads its wings and engulfs the world in hollow fear!  Don't you know that snow is power, white, icy dynamite?'

I shoo her away and this time I am forceful, she pops out of sight (though I can sense she is upset) and I take my coffee in my hands and look out of the window as I sip.  But wait, there, just there, in the corner of my garden, there is a man....I focus in and see clearly.  He is my heroin's ex-lover, stood in the snow shivering in the cold, he wears a thin shirt and his feet are bare.  He looks back at me with fearful eyes and his lips quiver as he pleads his rescue.  She's only gone and done it!  I can hear her muffled laughter in the back of my mind and I know that she has got her own way, (I should have never trusted her)  and now she is mocking me!  Her ex-lover is captured and is a sitting duck.  And now all that remains is to but word to computer screen, so to speak!  I look back at him and contemplate his fate, perhaps I ought to help...

AUTHOR'S CORNER;

TEN THINGS AN AUTHOR NEEDS

Hey fellow writers, happy new year and all my best wishes go out to each and every single one of you for the rest of the year.  Let's make 2013 a lucky year!  As writers we yearn for our work to get noticed and acknowledged.  We invest a lot of time and effort into our work and spend a lot of time alone in a quiet room trying to be creative, often these efforts feel futile and it seems like there is nobody there to comfort you.  One cannot be blamed for feeling a little abandoned in the literary world, where royal-like agents and publishers are almost unobtainable to the mere peasant writer!  After the festive cheer and the parties and late nights and of course the self doubt that accompanies the new year, one needs to take a back seat and reassess what it is one needs to progress and go forth and be that successful writer that one so often dreams about on quiet God forsaken nights!  

Basically, published or not, there are ten things I think that every writer needs in order to push through the barriers of this iron maze of literary jungle.  If one possess those ten things, then one will be able to negotiate the difficult times, sail through the dreary, mind numbing times, push through the opposing bookshop managers, who seem to pass judgement on whether or not you are worthy of book signing, even though you have actually been published and they would actually be making money if you sold your book in their shop!  

NEVER MIND, LIKE ALL GOOD ARTEEESTS ONE MUST SUFFER FOR ONE'S ART!

And in my suffering I have come to an understanding of what it is a writer needs in order to survive this torturous path that he or she have chosen for themselves.  They are the ten most basic and most fundamental if not slightly delusional and insane tools that any person working with imagination needs!

1.  A fundamental burning desire to write books, a passion and an almost phantom like obsession to have your mind transferred into books.  Lots and lots of books, books which sit on shelves for future generations to read and hold and cherish.  A need to live forever through the pen!  This need, above all, must be the strongest and most intense desire you have!  

2.  Good writing equipment, and a quiet place where you as a moderately insane artist can go and be creative without any disturbance from those members of the family who profess to be sane!

3.  Strong coffee and whatever other vice that will help calm your nervous disposition and get you through the day!  I would say cigarette, but I recently gave up!  Don't worry about the OTHERS (in your family) complaining, they do not have your insane, disturbed, slightly insecure personality, they are not artists!

4. Imagination, you need him, because without your imagination you can never, ever, ever be a writer!  Don't be scared of him, embrace him, court him, talk to him if you have to!  But whatever you do, however stupid you feel, or whatever anyone else says...never forsake him!  For he is your storyteller!  Listen to your imagination, agree with him, love him, befriend him!  Don't worry, you are not mad, just creative!

5. The ability and willpower to face the day!  As solo workers, we can sometimes find it very hard to get motivated, as for most of the time we are alone, with no one to assess our work or give us praise for a hard day's work.  For all we know we could be writing rubbish.  And even when we do finish our work, we then have the agony of waiting for a publisher or agent to sniff in our direction, and when they finally do, we have to wait for a decision, and mostly we get rejected!

6. The burning desire to make money!  Because that is what will drive you on and make you want to sit in that room for hours!  Yes it is all very well and good to say you do it for the art, and you probably do, but even writers need to eat! 

7.  Market yourself, because gone are the days when your publisher would have marketed you!  Even if you are published and you are very happy with your publisher, a lot of promotion falls back on the author nowadays!  Unless of course you have a multi million pound deal with the biggest publisher on the planet!

                        8.  Find an image in your head, become that image and be that writer that you envisage; you'll be amazed at how an image can influence how you behave!

9.  Inspiration is the mother of creation!  If you want to write it well you must try and at least feel it a little!  Love needs romantic inspiration, drama needs real life situations in which a writer can take from.  Put yourself in stimulating environments.

10.  Finally, wear it proudly!  Whether you are in the public eye or not, book signing, on t.v. or just amongst a circle of friends, behave like a writer, be proud of it and never, ever shy away from it.  Because my friends, what you say you are, is what others will believe!