AUTHOR'S CORNER;

RE-WRITING THE MARRIAGE VOWS!

Marriage vows are the most important, most heart-felt words one can utter to another person.  They should reflect the intensity and passion one feels towards their spouse and make clear the promises that one's heart yearns to see through over the course of this delightful union and lifetime of bliss and contentment!  If one is honest and true to their feelings, then one should understand that this is a once in a lifetime event and therefore one should choose their words carefully and make truth of their intentions in well written, well rehearsed verses.  You owe it to you lovely spouse!  So in light of this, you as the author and well versed of this union, should be writing special marriage vows for your wedding day which best portray your love and affection for your loved one.  An example...

MARRIAGE VOWS SAID BY A WRITER...

To have and to hold from this day forth, for better for worse, for richer for poorer.  In sickness and in health till death us do part...

I promise that I shall make you proud by dedicating every waking hour of my day to my writing.  I shall write all the time, every time and any time, even on weekends!

I promise to watch over you when you are sleeping, albeit I, myself can not sleep because the bloody novel is going round in my head, and your snoring won't be helping me much!

I promise that I shall always be there to listen to you drawl on about the hard day you've had at the office, even though it is taking precious writing time away from me!

I promise to always be honest with you about my feelings!

I shall have all your children....even though it would be a little harder to get on with my writing!

I promise that motherhood will NOT change me AT ALL!

I promise to take care that I don't lose myself in housework, and end up like my mother!

I promise that our children will grow up strong and independent....very independent! I will be too busy writing!

I promise to never interfere with their individuality and their choices in life!  I'll be too busy writing!

I promise and swear to God, that I will occasionally tackle the kitchen, in between making coffee and writing!

I promise that meals will be kept to simplicity, in fact they will be given as nature intended.....yeah, you guessed it, I'll be too busy writing!

I promise to love you and make time for you, about an hour every month, when I will be taking a break from writing!

I promise that I shall keep myself well read and my mind agile!

I promise that I shall endeavour to keep the romance alive between us, if ever I should happen to pass you by in the hallway whilst taking a break from writing!! 

TILL DEATH US DO PART, MY LOVE!

AUTHOR'S CORNER;

BOOK SIGNING YOURSELF OUT OF STREET CRED!

Unless you happen upon a multi-million dollar book deal, and you have film companies queueing up to make a movie out of your book, you may find that you are faced with no less than a nightmare when it comes to setting up, participating and indeed executing a successful book signing!  

Why?  I hear you ask as you scroll down your page wondering what a demented, ungrateful idiot like me is going on about!  After all, book signing is every writer's dream, it is the light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak!  It is the final notch on that fictitious bedpost of literary achievements, right?  WRONG!  

Unless you are a celebrity book signing can be a bit of a hit or miss, mostly miss!  Yes, you read correctly; I said miss!   As a new aspiring writer, all one wants and dreams of is to get their books published and read, and of course to make a success out of their work.  And what better way to confirm success than to hold your own book signing?  Surely this is the mark of achievement, this is the milestone that if obtained everything else will miraculously fall into place.  You are practically famous?  NO!  And further more, it is fair so say that if you were nearly famous or had any sort of street credibility, you may very well be in danger of ruining it all in attempting to participate in a book signing!

WHY?  I hear all the yet-to-be published hopeful writers ask.  Okay, let me take you through the pitfalls of book signings....

1.  FINDING A LOCAL BOOKSHOP.... 

Finding your local bookshop may seem easy enough, but in reality can prove to be the most difficult task of all!  You see as the recession has hit, one will find more and more shops closing down, and the ones that are not closing down are either too small, or too busy or simply are not prepared to take the time and effort to accommodate a book signing for you - the unknown, insignificant writer!  Even though, effectively, they won't be spending a penny as they can return unsold books....but...no!  Your search may take months!

2.  APPROACHING THE BOOKSHOP.....

Now this may seem easy in principal, but as any hard working, hopeful unknown author will tell you, you may be able to find the shop, go into the shop, even approach the counter, but not necessarily find the right person to speak to!  They are in a meeting, they are out for lunch, they have gone on holiday...they have recently passed away!  Try again another time....

3.  THE VERY CROSS SHOP MANAGER....

Okay, so you finally manage to track down that elusive shop manager and you politely ask for the possibility of a book signing...you are met with a very angry person, (for no apparent reason, you said please and thank you)  who reckons that you are wasting their time!  How dare you ask for a small table in the corner of their shop?

4.  THE ADVERTISING OF THE BIG DAY....

So great!  You finally manage to find a placid bookshop manager and get him to agree to a book signing.  GOOD FOR YOU!  Now comes the tricky part...you need to let the world know!  Easy?  Not so easy!  Most of your twitter friends probably live in America, so that rules them out.  Your Google+ friends also mostly live abroad and your facebook friends have never actually seen you in the flesh!  Local newspaper editors think you are a deluded nut case for daring to ring them up and asking them to mention your book and the event!  Even the mums at your child's school think you are some crazy person who is harassing them into coming somewhere YOU are lying about!

5.  SITTING PRETTY.....

So there you are; on the big day, with your table and your books around you and pens at the ready!  But hang on...where are the interested fans?

6.  FREEZING SMILE....

Nobody has come up to your table yet....don't worry, whatever else you do, remember... keep smiling!

7.  THE HARASSED SHOPPER....

At last somebody has come into the shop, and not only have they made it half-way past the best sellers, they are coming towards you!  You smile, they blank you, you smile again and say hello, they look straight through you.  So you try to approach them, they give you a look that can curdle milk and they blank you BIG TIME and walk on, you are acutely aware that the shop staff have seen this!

         

8.  THE WELL READ CURIOUS CUSTOMER.....

Okay, so at last, an hour into this book signing event somebody wants to speak to you! Yipeeee!  They approach you, you get ready to look intellectual and give it your best sophisticated act, complete with posh accent and straight posture!  But much to your dismay, you have got yourself the most well read person on the planet and they want to engage in a literary discussion with you complete with the entire works of Shakespeare, Charles Dickens and other writers you have NEVER heard of!  Oh and 'Can you tell me who you write like?' is their final nail in the coffin question for you!

9.  THE ARGUMENTATIVE CUSTOMER.......

This is the toughest customer of all, for a customer like this only values his/her opinion and believe me, they have an opinion on your book even though they have not yet read it!

10.  THE OH I COULD HAVE BEEN AN AUTHOR CUSTOMER.....

Listen at your own risk, to the customer who keeps your undivided attention whilst they tell you that they too used to write and how they nearly became published!  Meanwhile, they are subtly scaring away all other potential customers because they are blabbing on too loudly!

11.  THE KIDDIE CUSTOMERS........

Those are by far the worst type of fan base anyone can wish for, because they absolutely have no intention (or money) to buy your book!  They have been sent over to your table by their parents to amuse themselves whilst their parents shop in peace!  And yes, you have GOT to be polite, their parents might be potential customers.

12.  THE FUSS ABOUT THE MESSAGE.....

Yep, once you have found someone who is willing to buy your book, you will be requested to write a message in it which is sometimes longer than the book!

SO LET'S RECAP

In your quest to better yourself and arrange a book signing, you have had to endure quite a few humiliating situations.  You have been given the run around from local shops who are trying to avoid doing a book signing with you.  You have been spoken to rudely and quite harshly by shop managers for daring to request a book signing.  You have had to invite complete strangers over social network sites to you book signing, risking your privacy and your health and safety in some cases.  You have sat for hours like an idiot in the middle of the shop smiling at passers by in the hope that they may speak to you.  You have been blanked and ignored by frustrated shoppers.  You have been cross examined by a particularly well read freak!  You have had an argument with an idiot who although has not yet read your book, let alone bought it, thinks you could have written it better!  You have had to listen and console a would be writer and agree with them that of course they could have been a better writer than you, if they had WRITTEN!!  You have ended up babysitting customers' kids.  You have ended up writing a whole chapter at the front of your book where your signature should have gone, as a message, of course!  And at the end of the day when your feet are aching and your head is spinning and your fingers have cramps, have you sold hundred and hundreds of books? NO!

And as you leave the shop and bid the staff farewell, they smile at you and in their eyes you can see the mocking glances and the hidden laughter.....'What an idiot!' they would later say!

AUTHOR'S CORNER;

ONE FOOT IN WONDERLAND

The trouble with writers is that we seem to spend most of our adult life in delusional fantasy.  Not only have we convinced ourselves that we can write well, but we have deluded ourselves into thinking that we be the greatest writer in the world, that our words will change humanity and our wisdom is second to none; our pen is our magic wand and if we wave it, all things good must come to pass!   We spend many nights in solitary depression wondering, (marvelling at the stupidity of humanity) asking the universe the same question over and over again; why have I not been recognised yet?  We look down upon those illiterates who refuse to read our books and laugh at the narrow mindedness of critics when they venture to tell us where we are going wrong!  

Within the walls of our minds we can hear our story resound over and over again and we know we are right, we know our words ring with the clarity of a bell and our wisdom is unblemished!  We can hear our imagination and it is good and deep and twisted and it is as if the thoughts have been sent from the heavens!  And we know that if we just share with enough, if we just impart the magic, then our fire will tame and the burning desire in our hearts would calm down, if we could only share.  

We are not deluded, we are just trying to hold on to hope ,

hope that sustains us, that keeps our sad little hearts beating, that otherwise would whither and shrivel in the stark light of day and leave us small and exposed.  We are holding on to the only thing we have; our words.

We are nothing if not our books, then what else is left if we were to admit that our books were nothing?  

They say every author has a victim, someone who is always chosen and read bits of unfinished work to.  If you happen to be that victim, you should think yourself lucky, think yourself honoured, for you are our lifeline, you are the ears by which we judge our work by, yours is the expression by which we measure our worth by and your eyes are the glimmer of hope that we hold on to as we watch for your reaction when we read to you.  

And yes, we may be slightly deluded, we may be slightly over confident, and grossly mistaken, but so sadly alone in our plight and sometimes so forsaken.  We may come across as a bunch of heavy, conceited, arrogant, over opinionated, know-it-all middle-aged farts.  But scratch the surface and you might find fragile, frightened, self-doubting, struggling writers who have nothing to offer other than the imagination which resides in their minds and a the skill to be slightly clever with words.

Having hope is key qualification to being a writer, for without it many a writer would have given up within the first few years of trying.  So the next time you see a rather stressed, rather nervous new author book signing at your local bookshop, please don't just ignore them, don't shrug and walk past them, don't act as though they are an irritation.

They don't even expect you to buy their book, all they would really like, all they really need is a little bit of acknowledgement and interest shown in their book.  Stop at their table, take a look, (it won't kill you) let them introduce themselves to you and give them the satisfaction of recognition!

Give them a little hope and perhaps they in turn might give you something wonderful; they might give you a best selling novel one day!

AUTHOR'S CORNER;

STUMBLING BLOCKS

Having spent over a year as a published writer, I have come to a sad yet wonderful realisation; a realisation which can only descend upon a once deluded author after all the excitement and euphoria has worn off.  I have come to the realisation that being published is only the very tip of the ice burg!  The difficulties that lie ahead for a newly published, unknown author are enormous, there are large obstacles in the way, such as marketing, publicising, selling, people....people get in the way, opinions get in the way, other competitors get in the way....even your own ego gets in the way!  In short, you have not made it just because you are published!

YOU MAY BE PROUD OF YOUR WORK....BUT SO WHAT? 

You may think that you have written a masterpiece, but then again, so do all the other authors out there!  You may think that your work is worthy of reading, is worthy of praise, but that is only your opinion!  The hard part is convincing the rest of the world.  As well read as you are, as literate as you are and as clever and witty, remember, you are only you  and you have sixty million other people to try to convince......it seems an enormous task!  

The confidence falters and the willpower fades as you venture into the world of published authors and realise that there are thousands of you out there, all competing for the same spot in the limelight!  And let's face it, no matter how good you may be, no matter how clever, how twisted your plot may be, there is always someone who is better!

Often you feel like you are climbing a slippery steep mountain.

AND THEN THERE IS THE HARD FACT......

The publisher, that wonderful, clever, powerful publisher who is extremely difficult to get hold of, yet alone agreeing to sniff at your manuscript.  Publishers are very difficult to convince, they need to know you are good before they would consider reading your work.  Which begs the question, how will they know if you are good or bad without reading your work?  

There is only one way of ensuring a publisher takes a good look at your manuscript; shaft them on a desert island with nothing other than your book!  Leave them there for at least a few weeks (which ensures they would have read your book at least three times over) and then on your return they may (not necessarily) agree to publishing.

AND THEN OF COURSE THERE IS THE .....

Yes, the literary agent, from which all glory and all fame stems!  For believe me, without one you are doomed, yes doomed, even if you have found a publisher!  Unless you know the business inside out, you really need a literary agent!  The only problem is....they are harder to find than the publishers!

FIND ONE AND TORTURE THEM UNTIL THEY AGREE TO REPRESENT YOU?  UM, NO!

GIVE UP?

DESPAIR? 

WHAT DOES THE MONKEY THINK?

You've come this far, don't give up.  Consider yourself a success, albeit the road is stretched out far ahead and you haven't even made miles yet!  You are a writer and the fact that you have been published, recognised, and read (even by a few) is a step in the right direction.  It is not easy, but nothing worthwhile is ever easy, keep writing, keep publishing, keep knocking at all possible doors. One day enough people will read your work, enough shops will stock your book and enough twittering will fly about the cyberspace and you will suddenly realise that you are famous!

YOU'VE GOT TO DO THE TIME IN ORDER TO EARN IT.