AUTHOR'S CORNER;

HELP, I THINK I'M SINKING!!

Now I'm not one to complain, and I know I've been away for quite some time, not my fault dear reader, life has been somewhat hectic!  It started on my birthday, and spiralled out of control.  Needless to say it has not been a picnic, and for those of you who are familiar with my blog would already be aware that I have been otherwise distracted by the sudden stroke that struck my poor father.  He is better now, and soon to be back home where he belongs.  I have learned many things during those last three months, and have surprised myself at how resilient I really am.  I have also been pleasantly and horridly surprised to learn that my kids can cope just fine without my constant presence in the house; they are after all young adults and teens.  So what's my beef? It is simply a falling off the step, so to speak, a losing of one's footing, a distant memory of something and nothing and a loss of direction!  I have emerged from three months of distraction and worry only to find that I have somehow forgotten how to be a writer!

Don't get me wrong, of course I can still write, of course I have what it takes - just.  But having dropped a novel midway to rush to my family's aide, I have somehow lost the thread of writing and am in a permanent state of writer's block. Perhaps it is sheer exhaustion that is making me feel this way, or second thoughts brought on by the sobering distance away from my desk and that panoramic view that has shed some light upon my delusional bubble state of contented writer's mind.  But for whatever reason, (or revelation) I seem to be unable to trust in the fact that I am a writer.  

And try as I might, I can't seem to pick up where I left off from.  My mind is fuzzy and my thoughts are talking at me at the speed of light! Though I don't have much spare time, the spare time I have is clouded with absolute dread and anxiety when I approach my desk.

I can't seem to reconnect with my characters, for they seem to not to want or need me any more!  And they have made an enemy out of me, or have I made an enemy out of them?



Where as before I was sure in my conviction as a writer and determined to make it big, I am not so sure about much! Perhaps it is guilt that is blocking me or despair or life has finally caught up with my subconscious; reality is not a free space of time in which we can simply indulge!  

I am simply in writer's hell! self doubt gnashing away at my heels and running is not an option!

I have a strange feeling of losing the grip, and the plot! As I wonder when my identity might be restored!

Perhaps I over estimated the size of my pedal stool; because I seem to be falling out of writer's circle and into a deep no can write abyss!

And I ask myself, could the angel of death have come for my pen?  Will I ever recapture my spark and write again?  Or will my fire be forever extinguished?



Maybe, perhaps, possibly, just possibly... I might be experiencing life and nothing more; once the experience has sunk in and I sober up from the shock of almost losing a parent, perhaps then I may write again, and write in a better way...I hope.  Perhaps every writer needs to stop occasionally and take a breath whilst life's lessons swoop over them and teach them something new; another prospective, a different angle, a new point of view with a new pair of eyes.  Perhaps fear is what propels us to fight our way through problems; fear of losing life, fear of losing love and fear of losing the talent that has defined us for most of our lives.  

Perhaps my characters in my novel needed me to stop for a while, perhaps they might re-emerge in a more knowledgeable manner, in better formed characters, in a more capable set of people....perhaps I am merely growing and a flower can never bloom until it is properly watered.