AUTHOR'S CORNER;

THE CURSE OF THE FOOTBALL!

'And behold, I'll put a curse on thee, for all the wrong ye have done!

For once every quarter decade, to football ye shall lose your sons!'

Well ladies, it's that time again, the time when the curse of the football comes upon us; when men are blinded to our beauty and womanly charms and fall into a trance as the football phantom's curse takes hold upon all their humanly senses and transforms them into zombies! Yes you've guessed it, it's THE WORLD CUP!!!!  It's Brazil v England, England v Spain, Spain v Argentina, Argentina v China...China???  Oh well, you know what I mean; basically it's various countries footballing against other countries accompanied by an entourage of men chanting in a primeval manner and guzzling tons of beer as they stuff kebabs and various other cholesterol busters down their unshaven necks! Charming!  Not to mention their sudden and frankly rather annoying need to expose their beer bellies for all the world to see.  One can only remember them as they once were by casually glancing over at the wedding photo, which sits in solitude upon the bookcase, and sigh in mournful pity. 

  'And though your beauty may be blooming, in his eyes you will no longer be

For once the ball starts rolling, your womanly form he shall never see!'

Your lovely attentive husband suddenly loses all interest in you and his eyes become fixated upon his flat screen t.v.  And you can't help but wonder; when did I become invisible? What seemed like an intelligent, caring husband and father has suddenly morphed into something from an eighteenth century mental asylum!  Oh husband where are you??  Your curvy figure is met with annoyance if it stands in between him and that t.v. and he snarls at you with gnashing teeth in an cannibalistic fashion as he spits kebab bits in his angry speech!  Who is this man?  And every so often you hear a sudden outburst of "GOAL!!" coming out of this mentally challenged zombie who now sits happily in your husband's favourite chair.  SCARY!!!

'And thou shalt have time to contemplate the sins of which you are accused. 

For then ye shall remember the poor soul abused!'

And ladies, boredom will set in, it will set something terrible and you will feel neglected and a little sad to say the least! And much to your surprise, your once lovely husband will not be worried, in fact he will be secretly excited by your growing frustrations and in sporting spirit it will be incorporated as part of the match!

My advice, don't challenge this behaviour; it will only encourage him in a way which is frankly quite frightening!

'Thy bed chamber will become a lonely cave of loveless woes.

And he shall sleep restful as your sorrow grows!'

This is the time of year, where although charged with testosterone, there will be none spared for you!  Yes ladies, it be a loveless period, for too much beer and junk food will take over his system and make his body heavy with toxins; in fact you will find that only his eyes and chanting voice will be working efficiently during this time!

'And though thou may show displeasure for such trespasses, it will not bode well.

For thou will only bring down upon thy head the fury of all hell!'

Yes sisters; fights will break out during these trying times and no amount of lipstick will make you look good!  A man defending his football is like a wild beast defending his patch of land; gnashing teeth and sweaty brows are never a good sign!  Keep away; that's my advice!

'And who so ever shall deny the beloved game to thy groom,

Will be met with such fate of hell fire and doom!'

Seriously, it's not worth it; they tantrum like two year old toddlers if you even hint at changing the channel!  Good luck girls and may your inner strength be with you!

AUTHOR'S CORNER;

THAT TIME OF LIFE...

Now it pains me to admit this, but admit it I simply must.  You see I am victim, as many of us are, to the delusional state of mind which makes one think that one is eternally young.  And just like a car crash, the realisation of reaching my middle years has hit me out of nowhere, leaving me quite shaken and in disbelief; it seemed like only yesterday that I was a willowy young thing with thick brown hair and chocolate eyes that would melt the hearts of a thousand sailors!  Laughter, love, life and dreamy nights have whizzed by in a haze, along with pregnancies and more nappies than I care to remember!  The whirlwind of life has swept me along nicely into my forties and I am left wondering, how did this happen?  The unmentionable middle ages? 

And why, I wonder, should life be so cruel as to only bring about retrospect when the best years of youth have flitted by?  Why only then do we look back and see clearly that we could have done a better job out of life and regret from a sorry distance the years of youthful splendour which we have squandered on idiosyncrasies and wasted opportunities.  Nothing (unless you are very lucky) has turned out how we had imagined it, and the Romeo you have hand picked and defied your parents over, turned out to be no Romeo at all, rather more like a sorry character out of Macbeth!  Your children are grown up strangers who Do Not think you are cool, and laugh at you when you recall your disco days!  The phrase 'I was once beautiful,' is met with a smirk on their behalf and heaven help you if you share with them your wilder days!  

According to your kids you are no more than this thing called mum, which is sort of a forty something entity and hardly woman at all!  And if memory permits and they do recall some earlier years, to them, it is like a fleeting image of something strict, tall and looming!  

The figure you once owned has diminished beneath a bubbling mound of excess fat and stretch marks.  In short - you can try to lose weight, but the belly and bottom are refusing to budge...size 8 seems like a dream you once dreamt!

Morning sun is no longer flattering upon your skin, and heaven help the postman if he should call before you have had your fifth cup of coffee!

Not to mention the sudden imbalance of hormones which lead to mood swings, hot flushes, nervous disposition and a sudden tendency for insanity!

Romantic talk with your Romeo is futile; you may think you've still got it, but don't forget, he's got eyes!

And your well meaning attempts at romance will be met with tactful avoidance and clever game playing!

 

                                                   


love will feel somewhat jaded and a little suspicious....

Marital bliss will start to take on the form of world war two, and before you know it military strategy will commence!

Let the battle commence....

Give it up...you are no longer a pretty young thing! face your demons.

Let's not kid ourselves....just make a brew, phone a friend and give into middle age, it makes life easier!