AUTHOR'S CORNER

DOCTOR WHO, EVERY AUTHOR'S GUILTY SECRET!

 

I am in love with him; I have been from the moment I laid eyes on him and he asked me to step into his Tardis!  He is an amazing man; a wise, sensitive, caring, intelligent, extraordinary logical kind of man, he always seems to have an answer for everything.  He is a prince amongst men, he is one of a kind, he is a time  lord who has travelled the width and breadth of the universe.  He shows me the stars, (literally) and rocks my world (in many parallel universes) and yes, with him, I have gone to the moon!  He is youthful (well he is currently youthful) yet he is as old as the hills, and his charisma and charm fill me with unreasonable (if not childish) giddiness, and I find myself putty in his hands!  In short; I'm his to do with as he pleases!  I am his faithful sidekick, his loyal companion, and occasionally (if imagination allows it and husband is not in the room) his one true love!  I am his confidant, his friend, his protector!  I AM MRS DOCTOR WHO!!!

The Deleks, Cybermen, Sontarans, Silurians, Ood, Cybermats, Judoon, Weeping Angels, Ice Worriers and many others, have not been able to beat him; he is far too clever and much too sophisticated to be beaten by such a shoddy lot!  I know, I have fought them all along side him, I have time travelled and landed on mere rocks suspended in space with three moons orbiting and curious life forms!  I have watched as my beloved fought and defeated terrible creatures from far away universes, all the while (always the gentleman) protecting me from harm.  And I was there when he regenerated himself into yet another handsome son of a gun!  Yes, yes, yes my friends, I was there; every step of the way, every breath, every eye blink, I was there...on the edge of my sofa!

Here's what many a writer will not tell you; unless under duress and at gunpoint!  Be they male, or female, every writer's guilty, nerdy, uncool secret is ...yep, Doctor Who!  And why not?  Doctor Who provides the imaginative mind with all the nourishment and sustenance it needs.  A Tardis, that is but a mere police box and yet a whole massive spaceship on the inside!  And what about the whirling twisting motion as he is travelling through time and space?  Worlds, endless, beautiful, colourful worlds with creatures of equal intelligence and beings that lead lives and have societies similar to earth.  Wars, invasions, revelations, sadness, happiness, beauty, ugliness, and all the glory of all life that has ever and could ever exist in a marvellous, endless, limitless universe!  

And yes, it may be a nerdy concept...but then again Einstein was a little nerdy, right?  Imagination often works best when it is not limited to such foolish concepts as 'being cool'.  I challenge any writer who does not secretly like Doctor Who, I challenge any writer who is not glued to their t.v. set and sat at the edge of their sofa when the program is on!  It not only feeds a writer's imagination, it also feeds the writer's soul, it fires up that creative passion and ignites a yearning of time travel in the very depth of the heart!  Doctor Who is imagination gone mad, it is brain cells on Viagra, it is the Elvis Presley of the fiction world!  Sadly though, and here it is, any self respecting, aspiring to be 'taken seriously' writer will deny it profoundly....it is every writer's guilty secret....that and constant binge eating whilst writing at their desks! 

AUTHOR'S CORNER

PLANNING TO BE FAMOUS

I am constantly planning my biggest book launch!  I am imagining my biggest sales ever!  I am telling myself that one day I will have a book on a shelf in every Waterstones, WhSmith and Foyles!  One day I will find it difficult to step out of my house without being stalked by a handful of reporters trying to get a mugshot of me!  Yeah, right, one day!

So how does an aspiring writer go about planning their fame?  How can a writer make sure that she has a million faithful followers and a barrage of publishers knocking down the front door to get her to sign a publishing deal?  One thing for sure, unless you're into  voodoo, or have made a pact with The Prince of Darkness, or have an uncle in publishing, or extremely lucky and happen to be in the right place at the right time; it won't happen overnight!

The sad truth is that most very good writers face years if not decades of hardship whilst trying to make a name for themselves.  It is a long road to success and often a lonely one.  worse, in today's current environment, with internet publishing, self publishing, vanity publishing and all other in between, not to mention the mainstream big boys and the not so far behind independent publishers; the competition is enormous!  Which brings us to the harsh reality that unless you have a multi-million pound contract, or a film producer is knocking at your door, most writers have to resort to treating their 'art' as a business!
So for a brief moment let us explore....creative hats off, business hats on....

1.  If you had a business idea, the first thing you will do is put it out there and get known.
Unless you have limitless funds to splash out on advertising, your best bet is to use the internet; create a blog, that way people get to know you.  Hype your work, paint a pretty picture around it and make it appeal.  Use social networks such as Facebook and Twitter, you will quickly make friends, and there friends will befriend you etc.  

2.  Market your stuff, don't be afraid to talk about your book, it may sound big headed, but think about it, most people go for designer labels simply because of the hype around them, not because they actually know what the product actually is!  

3.  The best way to get people to be interested in you, is for you to show them interest. Don't just advertise your book to Twitter/Facebook friends, engage them and talk to them about their interest; common ground creates common interest!

4.   Push your work forward; don't be afraid to contact shops and offer to do book signings.  Remember, most bookshops will welcome an author signing in their shop as it will bring in customers.  Also if you do a book signing it is one way of making sure they order your books into their shops.

5.  Don't be frightened!  Nobody likes knock backs, especially if it is something of your own creation, it feels like judgement!  However, a good business person knows that knock backs are a norm when trying to push forward a product...and your work is a product!

6.  Keep good relations with book shops; if a manager declines to give you a book signing, be polite and thank them for their time; people have long memories and you may need them in future.  

7.  Don't despair, persistence pays off.

8.  Keep writing; don't get stuck on trying to push forward one book and forget about your writing, otherwise you might waste years!

9.  Behave like a writer and people will think you are a writer!  It is simple people will perceive you as you perceive yourself.

10.  Lastly, never take your eye off the ball; take yourself seriously, push ahead with your chosen profession and never doubt yourself or despair!

Author's Corner

10 WAYS TO SAVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP AND STILL WRITE

I have been married for donkey's years, (twenty two, actually) and in all that time, the one common complaint I have heard from my beloved husband is, 'Whenever your writing is not going well, you take it out one me!'  Now I would love to say that he was lying, that I am but an angel to live with and my temper has never ever flared!  I would love to say all that, but I can't....for if truth be told; I am a moody cow when my writing is not going well!  And although I would often lie awake, at night watching my husband's back as he soundly slept and whisper at the back of his head 'Oh how I love thee,' and berate myself for being such a cow; the grudge has been held and in the morning he is grumpy and has murder written around the rims of his eyes.  And try as I might to make it up to him; breakfast is a morbid affair and the rest of the day is dragged through with dread and unease!  Not to mention of course, the good days when I have him under duress and force him to listen to chapter after chapter of my unfinished, uncorrected work.  And then of course there are the dark, Godforsaken nights where I sob my heart out and ask 'Why am I doing so badly?'  Or when he is forced to listen to extracts of my novel where romance is flourishing and yet meanwhile in reality, I'm turning in at half past nine every evening!  And yet, through out all of this, my darling husband has stayed faithfully by my side and showed me love and companionship and never doubted my ability to write!

Needless to say, I am one of the lucky ones; my husband is either madly in love with me, or he is so heavily sedated and so far past caring that he just doesn't notice how moody I can get!  So here are some words of advice, some perils of wisdom from the moodiest cow in the world (who still hasn't cleaned up her act) on how to save your relationship and still write!

1)   Remember that you are the one who has the desire and passion and dream to become a writer, you spouse/partner has nothing to do with it; they just happen to be in a relationship with you!

2)   Never take your anger out on them; what the publisher/literary agent wrote or said to you is not necessary what your partner thinks!

3)   Romantic dinners should be just that, not a discussion on your book plans!

4)   Never make them listen to chapters if they don't want to, imagine if your scientist, teacher, electrician or doctor partner made you go through pages and pages of literature on their subject of interest!  

5)   If you have lost your temper, blown a fuse, or screamed like a mad person at your partner....say sorry, it actually works.

6)   Most writers write from home, be careful not to lock yourself away in the office late into the night!  Remember, you must distinguish between work time and family time!  Always clock off at about six in the evening and 'come home' to the family!

7)   Take time to be interested in what your partner does, likes and wants, remember they too have a need to be recognised!

8)   Be humble; nobody likes a snob, nobody appreciates someone who thinks that they are better then others!

9)   Always include your partner in your success, a 'Thanks for all your moral support,' will more than boost his/ego!

10)  Finally, just like you can conjure up romance in your books, just like you know the right words your character needs to say to induce romance; do the same in your life!  Be romantic, be seductive, be your partner's fantasy!

Nobody takes me seriously

AUTHOR'S CORNER

NOBODY TAKES ME SERIOUSLY!

The other day I ventured down to my local bank, all I wanted to do was to open a regular current account - simple enough?  I sat down at the nicely polished, plush desk and smiled back at the elegantly presented bank clerk.  Although I already hold two accounts at my bank, routine questions were asked and I proceeded to answer as best as I could.  The question of 'work' arouse and I (being a proper published and sold author) happily and proudly replied 'I am a writer.'  The clerk looked at me rather smugly and she smiled an evil, condescending smile and said, 'So we shall put down that you are a housewife and that your hobby is writing!'  Taken aback, and not quite believing that she was doubting me, I gave her the benefit of the doubt and said 'No, I am actually a writer.'  She smiled and ignored me and carried on typing.  The next question was what I hoped for the short term future, I replied 'To sell more books,' to which she smiled smugly and said in delightful tones, 'So you still want to pursue your hobby?'  I explained once again that I am in fact a proper, PROPER!! writer and that I am in fact published.  She shrugged her shoulders and smiled sweetly at me.  The second question:  What do you hope to do for long term future?  Once again (and with gritted teeth) I set about explaining that I hope to be successful in what I do, which is writing and (before she had a chance to speak) I added that I am IN FACT published and doing quite well, thank you.  She smiled at me, nodded and then said, 'To carry on with your writing hobby!'

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

To any author who is reading this, does this sound familiar?  How frustrating it is when people refer to your work as a 'hobby' as if you are building model ships or painting a landscape on a Sunday afternoon!  And not just smug bank clerks who refuse to take us seriously, practically everybody else in the world holds the same view about 'writers'.

Even, and here is the shocker, most publishers and literary agents don't take us seriously!  I was at the London Book Fair not so long ago; just happily browsing around, soaking in the atmosphere and going to chosen seminars.  On the second day, I conjured up enough courage to get closer to publishers' stands and have a proper look at their books.  On first encounter (of my first stand) a rather posh, well dressed man approached me and asked if he could help me.  To which I replied 'No thank you, I'm just looking.'  He smiled at me and said 'Of course, please do,' then he asked, 'So You must be a literary agent or a buyer?'

'No,' I said, feeling quite flattered.  'I'm a writer.'  His expression changed, he took three steps back as if backing away from a poisonous snake and he said, 'A writer?  Oh well no, I will have to insist that if you want to submit a manuscript you apply through the normal channels!'  I didn't know whether to laugh or take out my novel and hit him over the head with it!  Needless to say, I walked away!

Family have no choice but to take you seriously, and that is only because they are worried about the backlash if they don't, and even when you do get published they just about acknowledge that you actually have a 'Real' job.  Friends try to  take you seriously, but you can see doubt in their eyes, even though they are saying all the right things.  And as for the wider community, other mums at the school gates, shopkeepers, doctors and the likes of them, well they just don't believe you!  And if they do, they think that you are making millions of pounds, and if you are not then you are either lying or you are no good!

Why don't people take us seriously?  Here's why:

1. People think that if you are a writer then you must be in the ranks of JK Rowlings, i.e. making millions and millions of pounds.

2. Friends think that calling yourself a writer is just a glamorous way to call yourself a housewife, or unemployed!

3. Your spouse thinks that all you do is sit around watching daytime t.v.

4. Family think that all you do is drink cups of coffee, smoke, socialise and have all the time in the world to do what you like.

5.  When people call round, or ring you, you always seem to be available, well dah!  Of course you seem available, you've just answered the phone or opened the door to them!

6.  People's idea of a writer is a famous, rich, intellectual sort of person; unless they see you on television interviews, listen to you on radio interviews, or see you driving around in a Rolls, they simply don't believe it!

7.  Finally, and this is the stupid one, you don't look like a writer!

I give up people, it is the curse that every writer has to live with....the price to pay for loving what you do! 

AUTHOR'S CORNER

THE TRUTH ABOUT LIVING WITH A WRITER

Have you ever wondered how wonderful the lives of those who live with writers must be?  To live with such a lovely, poetic, insightful and artistically inclined person, being showered with words of sheer poetry and mentally caressed with the deep insightful, meaningful view on life that only a writer can possess!  Nights spent round the fireplace with favourite tipple in hand, long walks in the country hand in hand whilst your 'writer' verbally puts the world to rights.  Romance (and who better to understand romance?) by the bucket loads in the form of rose petals upon bedspreads, candles instead of light bulb, sandal wood scented baths prepared for two in which you will languish with your 'writer' partner.  Sounds great right?  Sounds like heaven, correct?  Only in a book!

The truth about 'us' writers is rather more bland and starkly boring!  Where as we certainly bring blank pages to life and indulge in all sorts of fantasy and unspoken, if not unheard  of in some cases, human behaviour!  where as in our books we have the ability to whisk up feelings of lust and desire in the almost dead to the world variety of humans; in reality we hardly know where to begin.  Bear in mind, a fictional character is a much easier, less challenging person for a writer to tackle, (at least a fictional character will do exactly what the writer tells him and will never judge the writer) and is less messier than dealing with a real life human!  

Then there is of course, as most spouses of writers will tell you, the mood swings!  We are temperamental creatures who tend to feel sudden failure and despair for no rhyme or reason!  Our ability to stay happy is a very tiny window of opportunity, depending on how many cups of coffee we have managed to consume, how the weather is, how our creative juices are flowing and whether we have woken up with a positive belief in ourselves!  If all the above correspond harmoniously at the precise moment the earth aligns perfectly with all the planets and the sun glows a deep red, (get the picture?) then we will be happy for the remainder of that day!  And of course, let's not forget the 'I am a failure' syndrome which every single writer, by nature of their insightful minds, goes through!  Where there is a need there is a niche!  We write fantastic, heroic, adventurous, romantic things because in reality....and here it is people, in reality we don't actually do all those things!  It is make believe!! 

And let us not forget the famous writer's block!  It is the curse of all aspiring writers, where only a few days ago your juices are flowing and everything is going smoothly, suddenly, you dry up!  Drying up is not an easy process and can take days if not weeks to pass, meanwhile, the poor spouse will get the full brunt of anger from the 'writer' and in that time will be blamed for everything that has ever gone wrong in their lives!  A writer's marriage is always tinkering on divorce, mainly thought of and threatened by the writer!

And then last, and this is the biggest strain on any relationship, the writer's insistence of cornering and making their partner sit for hours listening to some extract of their novel, whilst attempting to correct, criticise, berate and argue (with no help from their partner) with themselves at how bad their own work is!  Dare you as the spouse find fault in their work.....dare you?  Really?