AUTHOR'S CORNER;

POST WRITING BLUES

Once again I find myself overwhelmed with a deep sense of depression; the kind of depression which seeps in through your chest and spreads and engulfs your entire being until there seems absolutely no hope whatsoever...hope of what?  I don't know!  I feel uncomfortable, as if awaiting a tragedy, I feel fidgety and restless, my mind is racing and my eyes are tearful.  I have a dread which sits upon my heart and, frankly, I feel like I need to run!  And I know I should not be depressed, my logical mind tells me that I have a lot going for me, that my world is near perfection and my ambition on its way to being fulfilled.  So why the unnecessary and unwelcome sense of 

paranoia? 

Sometimes I suspect that I create the drama within the walls of my mind; that my mind has a tendency to flip and switch from euphoria to rock bottom depression within a split second.  I feel that the chemicals of my brain, or the connections or wiring, if you like, sometimes gets mixed and tangled and my mind just switches from one mood to another with no good reason!  My temper is such, my kindness is so... I seem to constantly tinker on the thin borders of happiness and sadness, calmness or nervousness, neediness or coldness!  

I often don't understand myself, only that I know that I am.  And indeed what I am depends very much on how I am.

But I can link it to one common source, my mood is played upon by my creativity; when I am writing I am a much better person, when I am not writing I am failing, (in my mind at least) and therefore I am not good, not in mind, emotions or indeed beauty!  I suffer from a disease that only plagues writers - in short, I suffer from the real world!  For my safe world is my computer, my imagination and the world in which I create.  The real world frightens me and puts me in my place.  And in the real world, my place is a very small, tight, insignificant little place and I feel suffocated!  

In short, like many a writer, I suffer from post writing blues!

If I am not writing, then I have to be me, and me is not always ready to face the world!

But in thinking about this, I can't help but come to the conclusion that this in itself is not a bad thing; it is after all what drives a writer to write and it is that sense of awkwardness with the world that makes us see it so much more clearly.  We are nothing more than mimes, who have chosen to use the pen as a means to express what we see.  And just like any mime, we are utterly hopeless and less than ordinary without our masks that hide so much from the world, yet enable us to say much more!

And much like a mime, we always approach our audience an empty, blank vessel and then pour out so much more as the act goes on!