AUTHOR'S CORNER;

OUT WITH THE STARS

It struck me as rather curious and a bit unsettling, that once again I have found myself three months away from the end of the year and yet it seemed only last month I was counting down the minutes to the New Year. While I can confer that a lot of good things have happened this year, mainly the publication of my newest novel The Devil's Truth, the passing of my children's exams and of course, learning of the dreaded 'Selfie' pictures (which I will not be partaking in again, ever!) and not to mention that fabulous diet/healthy way of life which I have successfully taken part in and maintained and am proud to say I have lost one and a half stone, thank you very much! September always comes round with the same intrusion as an unwelcome relative; all blustery and hurried and a bit grey in mood!  

So in attempt to cheer myself up and to recapture a little of my youthful spirit (or so I keep reassuring myself) I organised a night out with the girls.  Though if truth be told, they are more like heavy handed, round waisted, big busted bunch of soggy, soppy, extraordinary competitive and slightly jealous if not vain, suspicious women with a tendency to moan and criticise at the drop of a hat (sorry ladies) and their idea of fun is swapping stories about how well their children are doing!  So I organised a night out, and I pulled out all the stops and even bought myself a new frock, convincing myself (foolishly) that this time it would be great, fun and carefree!

I booked the restaurant, informed the girls (witches) and braced myself.....Let me share....

FOR THE PURPOSE OF AVOIDING LEGAL ACTION, I SHALL CALL MY SUBJECTS BY LETTERS OF THE ALPHABET!

I sat pretty and composed in the posh Indian restaurant, (Indian being our choice of food for that evening, due to an overwhelming vote) and waited patiently for my girls to come.  I felt fresh, beautiful and for once, unburdened by mundane demands of domesticity.  The ambiance was alluring, the lighting dim and the twanging of sitar lingered seductively in the background.  I was feeling great, and knew I looked great (due to a few cheeky smiles from the young waiter stood by the door) as the smell of authentic food mixed with the smell of my expensive Dior perfume and reminded me of my youth.  I smiled foolishly at the young stud and blushed slightly at my own foolishness!  He winked cheekily at me before opening the door and in walked a pair of long slender legs.

It was 'A' my beautiful Turkish friend; she being the youngest and indeed the most elegant out of the group, her hair and her long eyelashes are indeed natural and much to everyone's dismay, she did not even need night cream to maintain her youthful looks.  I smiled sweetly as a lump formed in my throat and I could see the young waiter's attention shift from me to her.  She grinned warmly at the waiter as she walked past, lingering for a brief second beside him (long enough for him to smell her perfume and feel the warmth of her presence) and within seconds the poor boy was besotted.  She flicked her auburn hair and walked up to our table.  I in turn, and involuntarily, flicked my own hair and found that a short bob does not flick as well.  'A' is the Aries

in the group, she is energetic, adventurous, confident and courageous.  She is a free spirit and highly sexed and very vain, Aries are in love with love.  They exude sexual allure and absolutely demand that they are noticed and adored!  I felt a little frumpy as she approached the table.  Acutely aware that all eyes were on her (and that I probably lost all attention of that waiter) I maintained my pride and greeted her heartily! 

The second to Arrive was 'B', she whirled into the restaurant with the gusto of a small hurricane as she flung open the door and

thundered in coat in one hand, umbrella in the other.  Her lips painted scarlet, her eyes heavily lined. She is the Scorpio in the group and is both charismatic and mystifying.  I could see the young waiter's attention was drawn to her and he seemed to be in a dilemma as to whom he fancied more!  I felt a little threatened.  'B' looked over at our table, she smiled acidly and eyed 'A' up with considerable hostility, 'B' being a Scorpio was prone to sudden and irrational outbursts of jealousy.  I felt uneasy and prayed that the night would pass quickly.  'A' took this hostility as mere acknowledgement of her beauty and chuckled to herself.  

Just as both women were about to engage in sporting verbal abuse, the restaurant door opened letting in a gust of wind and 'C' with it. She stood at the doorway for a while taking in the scene; 'C' was wearing a pair of brown Chinos and a beige shirt, her hair was sensibly pulled back and her make up was clear and fresh.  She smiled serenely at the young waiter who seemed to get quite excited and bashful.  'C' is the Libra

in the group; she is energetic and loving and her attitude is always pleasant.  She stands tall and confident and exudes a freshness and a life force wherever she goes.  'C', although not the prettiest in the group, is the kind of girl any boy would love to love, the freshness she portrays and the politeness and loving attitude renders most men helpless.  I felt a little inadequate at this point and knew full well that my young waiter had all but forgotten about me!

Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, in walks 'D' and 'E' together.  They always arrive together, being neighbours, they tend to car share.  'D' was dressed to kill, in a mini dress and a pair of platform killer heels, she has curled her hair especially for the occasion and her cleavage leaves little to the imagination!  'D' is a Gemini

and is on a continues jovial high!  She giggles and bubbles and cackles all over the place, and is on the outlook, a fun type of girl.  She sees 'A' and curls her lip in dismay (slight jealousy) as she checks her reflection in the door glass.  'E' trips in behind her (no doubt half tipsy) and lets out a glass shattering laugh.  I cringe into my seat.  'E' is the the Taurus

of the group and her strength is sometimes draining.  She does not do anything by halves and her presence is ever dominating. I look over at the waiter, he is delightfully confused and the look upon his face indicates that he has found heaven!  I am fast changing my mind about him and begin to think him rather immature!  the girls were seated, the waiter was getting ready to plunge into paradise, (he was getting his notepad ready) and was spit combing his hair to the side with his trembling fingers.  I felt positively frumpy as I looked down at my plain black dress and my sensible boots.  I knew (by virtue of my chosen job) I come across as the nerdy one!  

'A' and 'B' exchanged deathly looks before smiling warmly and complimenting each other through gritted teeth and insincere gestures.  'D' thrusts her chest and gets their attention before she snipes a bitchy remark in both their direction.  'B' rattles her tail and 'A' displays her horns, I fear a BF (bitch fight) is about to break out, and that young waiter is now approaching our table.  I feel sorry for him, he is too young to be scarred by vicious middle aged, sex starved, frustrated housewives!  But he is approaching and a fight is brewing and there was nothing I could do!  My Aries being impulsive and short tempered hissed at 'D' and asked if her boobs were fake.  At which point an argument broke out and 'B', my Scorpion friend took it all a bit too personally, and then 'D' had a personality change and became suddenly very aggressive. and the poor waiter found himself in the middle of it.  Stood frozen to the spot with pen and pad in his hand he looked horrifically from one old crow to the other!  Not so charming close up!!  

I intervened, (more for the waiter's sake) and told them all to calm down, and see the happy, positive side of this union; I being an Aquarius possessed a more carefree, nonchalant attitude towards life and cared not for wars and disputes of any kind.  I, in metaphorical terms being the hippy of the group. 

   

'Peace guys,' I soothed as they proceeded to shout and scream, until 'E' asserts herself, butts her horns and tells them to behave. There is a deadly silence in the restaurant (as all other diners watch on) but 'E' is stubborn and she is about to charge.  This is taken with a sense of respect by 'B' and she winds her tail in, and 'A' backs away and even 'D' pulls her top up to cover her cleavage.  'C' smiles at the ladies and changes the subject to this year's GCSE results.  All is calm once again, the women are united in motherly conversations. 

We look up and the waiter has gone, in his place is a waitress she is looking at us with fierce eyes and a curled mouth.  I am guessing this one is a Capricorn!

AUTHOR'S CORNER;

GETTING OVER SEPTEMBER!

Well, you've done it, you've managed to survive the summer holidays and have endured many a distracting moment with your little ones!  The worst of it is now over as the schools open up their gates and welcome those lovelies back into the folds of education! Your literary nightmare (that's writer's block in lay man's terms) has finally come to an end and may I add, you have not once threatened to kill, maim or destroy any of your children; you have remained calm and ever sweet, always smiling and eternally maternal!  Of course there have been times when you have been left feeling a little frustrated and slightly irritated.  There have been times when it seemed easier to give up on life altogether!  As you pondered your fate to your mother over a soppy telephone conversation.  

But in the main, you have survived the trauma of summer holidays and have managed to come out of it unscathed and more importantly without a criminal record!  And on the plus side, your kids survived!!

So now that the kids are safely back at...

And you have regained your sanity. Surely now is the time to relax?

But wait, something is wrong....the house is quiet, and there are no demands on you, yet you still feel tired, sticky and harassed; your hair feels greasy and your skin feels oily, no doubt all that residue from being constantly touched, kissed and hugged by those lovely, lovely KIDS!!! Basically over summer you have turned into an old frumpy hag!!  


And no amount of coffee can fix it for you!  Let's face it, the kids have ruined you!

And your attempts at writing are useless, cos you just got nothing left to give!  And that bloody clock ticks ever so slowly and all you can do is ponder on how once you used to be a writer!!

OKAY, LET'S FORGET ABOUT WRITING AND TRY AND GET YOU BACK ON TRACK!

1. Come on, give up the smoking; you know you have to!  By giving up, not only will you feel better, you'll look better, have heaps of energy and a lot more money.  Remember, you are the writer not the cigarette, you can still create without that little white stick!

2.  Clean that house for God's Sake!  No wonder you feel sticky and yucky!  No matter how many baths you take, if the house is dirty, you'll feel dirty!

3.  It is high time you started that diet, you know very well that the summer has not been kind on your waistline!

4.  A little exercise will go a long way and it will clear your mind, energize you and trim that bottom!

5.  Set your alarm clock to wake up early each day, the kids may be old enough to get themselves ready, but it is also important that you start your day in the day!

6.  Light meditation and 'me' time is a good idea; it will help you focus.

7. Dah! eat healthy!  How else is your brain going to function?

8.  Refrain from chatting on the telephone.  It is a means to hide from facing your work!

9.  Time to look human again, visit the hairdresser and DO SOMETHING about your hair!!!

10.  There is nothing, nothing at all, like retail therapy!

11.  Get back into light reading, it will get your brain working again.

12.  Just sit at your desk for half an hour each day, it will get you familiar with it again.

13.  But do not play computer games; this will only get you into bad habits!

14.  Take time out and meet the girls!  You'll be amazed at the inspiration you will get from gossiping with women! 

15.  Make sure that whenever you are at your desk (even if you are not writing) nobody disturbs you!

16.  Just write whatever and whenever you feel like writing; the creative juices are there somewhere, they just need to be put back on the stove to simmer and cook!

AUTHOR'S CORNER;

THE CURSE OF THE SELFIE!

I have been struck quite unexpectedly, by a sudden and sharp revelation.  If indeed one can call it a revelation and not a shameful outing of one's own despicable behaviour!  Let me explain...you see for many months now I have been blogging about my attempts at becoming a known author and giving advice freely and happily about self promotion.  Thinking that I was on the right track of at least getting myself known to the general public and getting my face out there.  It seems that I should have been focusing on being on the Write track as opposed to the right track.....confusing?  I know!  

I seldom admit that I am wrong; not liking the effect that admitting has on me, not to mention all that 'egg on my face' I very rarely venture to own up to my own stupidities.  But on this occasion, I feel that I have no choice but to fess up and admit defeat.  Though I must stress, in my own defence, I am as much a victim as anyone else, and have fallen prey to the media powers that hover through satellites and control our planet.  What am I guilty of?  What is my crime?

The selfie!!

For those of you who have never heard of this or have no idea what 'The selfie' is; it is a picture of one's self taken by one's self.  Up until last week I thought that I was on the right track, self promoting and sticking my face out there for all to see, happily smiling at my camera as I clicked the button, posing as though I was some Hollywood star!  until I happened to switch on the television and be confronted with the cheerful presenter announcing that a new word and concept has entered the English Dictionary, it was called the selfie, and she happily went on to show self photos of celebrities posing in weird and wonderful ways!  

How utterly embarrassing and very self indulgent!  How vain and presumptuous! I could feel myself cringe and the heat in my cheeks was so that I didn't need a mirror to know that I had turned crimson. My husband who was sat beside me, did not utter a single word (always a bad sign) and you know how the saying goes; if the shoe fits?  My mind then went to you poor readers, and I felt that I had been somehow abusing my position; I had to ask myself an important question....who of my readers wants to see me in silly and immature pictures?  The answer; none.  

In my defence, I have fallen victim, been struck by the curse that is epidemic of 21st century techno filled, accessible media.  This, I must stress, does not include pictures of events, or newspaper clippings, this only applies to pictures taken, for no necessary reason, of yourself in your own house and then posting them!  Not everyone can be a star, but anyone can occupy cyber space, it only takes the click of a button.  I foolishly, had been taken in by the craze and thought I was being smart...it turns out I was not!  I find that I have now joined the ranks of the 'Selfies' and have many unflattering pictures floating in the cyber world!  YIKES!!!!!  Please kill me now!!!

Having learned my lesson (the hard way) I would like to warn other writers in my position...beware of the Curse Of The Selfie! It will creep up on you when you least expect it, and once afflicted with it, it will take years to get rid of (if you are lucky) because as long as there is cyber space, there is room for your pictures to remain!! And please remember, you are an aspiring writer, your head is full of smart words and wonderful ideas, your pen is the only Selfie you need!

AUTHOR'S CORNER;

SHAMELESS CONFESSION

I am a writer of fiction; of make belief and fantasy.  I am, on page, not the same person that my friends and family know me to be.  In reality I am a mother of four, respectable and pretty much ordinary. There is nothing strange, weird, quirky or even a little out of the norm about me, and no, I am certainly not exciting, naughty or a scheming madam.  In fact, see me in the street and you wouldn't even bat an eyelid.  My kids know me as mum and my husband is used to me playing wife and preparing his meals, cleaning his house, raising his family.  When I talk, I do not talk as I write, in fact, I have been known to stumble on my words and confuse my sentences. There is nothing extraordinary about me, and basically me and suburbia co-exist very happily together.

But yet when I am at my laptop, typing away and my imagination is in full swing, I am far from that ordinary housewife who is so familiar to her husband and kids. I find myself untamed, and wild in my thoughts, I find myself to be quite the diva, the hateful scorned woman, the vengeful woman, the temptress so full of untamed passion and naughty, naughty thoughts! My spirit soars in fiction and my senses come to life; I am who I was always meant to be upon the pages of my world.  I am free and unchained and allowed, if only briefly, to live out the world as I ought to.  No longer restricted by the shackles of society and taboos which bind me to a culture which is basically man made, I find myself refreshingly light 

The word is my oyster and I am free to think as I please, see it as I wish and I wish it in passion and desire, anger and revenge, plots and plans!  I wish it in multi colours of peoples and unbridled ideas! I wish it in whatever takes my fancy and my fancy is never in suburbia, that's just where my loved ones are!

 I can be whatever I want, whom ever I want.  I can take my life and reshape it and do with it all I wish.  I can say it how I like it, be what I have never been and believe, if only for a brief duration of time, in what I want.  My characters are fiction, and my story is not based on anything real, but does that make my opinions or the view I portray in the story not real?  Is not the writer baring a little bit of their inner self when they endeavourer to share a little bit of their creativity?  My characters engage my senses as children engage a mother; she may not be able to live out their lives, but through their eyes she gets a brief taste of a new and different life. 

My leading ladies have led me to adventures I could only ever dream of.  All the while, whilst living it in my head and feeling it in my soul and losing myself in my imagination, I maintain a calm exterior and a motherly smile.  And I assure friends and family (who of course believe me) that this is all fiction, all stuff and nonsense and nothing at all to do with the real, calm, intelligent, respectable me!

 I am often found in my study, lost in a new novel, deep in thought, plotting and scheming, making the world around me wicked.  I am often seen by passers by as they walk past my window, pounding away at my keyboard, lost in lustful scenarios and passion filled days.  Putting rights the world in which man has so foolishly misused.  Making men pay for their trespasses against women. Corrupting women and abandoning children, emasculating men and rendering them weak.  And yet when I am asked how come I write like so, I simply laugh and mock them and say, 'Oh come on, it's all make belief!'  I grab hold of my children for good measure, all the better to appear respectable.  But there is a glow to my face and a lightness in my step....