AUTHOR'S CORNER;

BOOK SIGNING YOURSELF OUT OF STREET CRED!

Unless you happen upon a multi-million dollar book deal, and you have film companies queueing up to make a movie out of your book, you may find that you are faced with no less than a nightmare when it comes to setting up, participating and indeed executing a successful book signing!  

Why?  I hear you ask as you scroll down your page wondering what a demented, ungrateful idiot like me is going on about!  After all, book signing is every writer's dream, it is the light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak!  It is the final notch on that fictitious bedpost of literary achievements, right?  WRONG!  

Unless you are a celebrity book signing can be a bit of a hit or miss, mostly miss!  Yes, you read correctly; I said miss!   As a new aspiring writer, all one wants and dreams of is to get their books published and read, and of course to make a success out of their work.  And what better way to confirm success than to hold your own book signing?  Surely this is the mark of achievement, this is the milestone that if obtained everything else will miraculously fall into place.  You are practically famous?  NO!  And further more, it is fair so say that if you were nearly famous or had any sort of street credibility, you may very well be in danger of ruining it all in attempting to participate in a book signing!

WHY?  I hear all the yet-to-be published hopeful writers ask.  Okay, let me take you through the pitfalls of book signings....

1.  FINDING A LOCAL BOOKSHOP.... 

Finding your local bookshop may seem easy enough, but in reality can prove to be the most difficult task of all!  You see as the recession has hit, one will find more and more shops closing down, and the ones that are not closing down are either too small, or too busy or simply are not prepared to take the time and effort to accommodate a book signing for you - the unknown, insignificant writer!  Even though, effectively, they won't be spending a penny as they can return unsold books....but...no!  Your search may take months!

2.  APPROACHING THE BOOKSHOP.....

Now this may seem easy in principal, but as any hard working, hopeful unknown author will tell you, you may be able to find the shop, go into the shop, even approach the counter, but not necessarily find the right person to speak to!  They are in a meeting, they are out for lunch, they have gone on holiday...they have recently passed away!  Try again another time....

3.  THE VERY CROSS SHOP MANAGER....

Okay, so you finally manage to track down that elusive shop manager and you politely ask for the possibility of a book signing...you are met with a very angry person, (for no apparent reason, you said please and thank you)  who reckons that you are wasting their time!  How dare you ask for a small table in the corner of their shop?

4.  THE ADVERTISING OF THE BIG DAY....

So great!  You finally manage to find a placid bookshop manager and get him to agree to a book signing.  GOOD FOR YOU!  Now comes the tricky part...you need to let the world know!  Easy?  Not so easy!  Most of your twitter friends probably live in America, so that rules them out.  Your Google+ friends also mostly live abroad and your facebook friends have never actually seen you in the flesh!  Local newspaper editors think you are a deluded nut case for daring to ring them up and asking them to mention your book and the event!  Even the mums at your child's school think you are some crazy person who is harassing them into coming somewhere YOU are lying about!

5.  SITTING PRETTY.....

So there you are; on the big day, with your table and your books around you and pens at the ready!  But hang on...where are the interested fans?

6.  FREEZING SMILE....

Nobody has come up to your table yet....don't worry, whatever else you do, remember... keep smiling!

7.  THE HARASSED SHOPPER....

At last somebody has come into the shop, and not only have they made it half-way past the best sellers, they are coming towards you!  You smile, they blank you, you smile again and say hello, they look straight through you.  So you try to approach them, they give you a look that can curdle milk and they blank you BIG TIME and walk on, you are acutely aware that the shop staff have seen this!

         

8.  THE WELL READ CURIOUS CUSTOMER.....

Okay, so at last, an hour into this book signing event somebody wants to speak to you! Yipeeee!  They approach you, you get ready to look intellectual and give it your best sophisticated act, complete with posh accent and straight posture!  But much to your dismay, you have got yourself the most well read person on the planet and they want to engage in a literary discussion with you complete with the entire works of Shakespeare, Charles Dickens and other writers you have NEVER heard of!  Oh and 'Can you tell me who you write like?' is their final nail in the coffin question for you!

9.  THE ARGUMENTATIVE CUSTOMER.......

This is the toughest customer of all, for a customer like this only values his/her opinion and believe me, they have an opinion on your book even though they have not yet read it!

10.  THE OH I COULD HAVE BEEN AN AUTHOR CUSTOMER.....

Listen at your own risk, to the customer who keeps your undivided attention whilst they tell you that they too used to write and how they nearly became published!  Meanwhile, they are subtly scaring away all other potential customers because they are blabbing on too loudly!

11.  THE KIDDIE CUSTOMERS........

Those are by far the worst type of fan base anyone can wish for, because they absolutely have no intention (or money) to buy your book!  They have been sent over to your table by their parents to amuse themselves whilst their parents shop in peace!  And yes, you have GOT to be polite, their parents might be potential customers.

12.  THE FUSS ABOUT THE MESSAGE.....

Yep, once you have found someone who is willing to buy your book, you will be requested to write a message in it which is sometimes longer than the book!

SO LET'S RECAP

In your quest to better yourself and arrange a book signing, you have had to endure quite a few humiliating situations.  You have been given the run around from local shops who are trying to avoid doing a book signing with you.  You have been spoken to rudely and quite harshly by shop managers for daring to request a book signing.  You have had to invite complete strangers over social network sites to you book signing, risking your privacy and your health and safety in some cases.  You have sat for hours like an idiot in the middle of the shop smiling at passers by in the hope that they may speak to you.  You have been blanked and ignored by frustrated shoppers.  You have been cross examined by a particularly well read freak!  You have had an argument with an idiot who although has not yet read your book, let alone bought it, thinks you could have written it better!  You have had to listen and console a would be writer and agree with them that of course they could have been a better writer than you, if they had WRITTEN!!  You have ended up babysitting customers' kids.  You have ended up writing a whole chapter at the front of your book where your signature should have gone, as a message, of course!  And at the end of the day when your feet are aching and your head is spinning and your fingers have cramps, have you sold hundred and hundreds of books? NO!

And as you leave the shop and bid the staff farewell, they smile at you and in their eyes you can see the mocking glances and the hidden laughter.....'What an idiot!' they would later say!