This Job Comes With a Warning!

AUTHOR'S CORNER;

THIS JOB COMES WITH A WARNING!

So you want to be a writer?  You have that itch and you simply need to portray to the world the talent and wisdom you possess. You can see yourself gracing the literary world and possibly enhancing all of mankind with your words of insightful wisdom.  You can see the literary red carpet spread itself ahead of you as you take your first baby steps down the walk of author fame; friends, family and enemies alike will be helpless but to admire you and love you... oh how they'll love you!

Wonderful, great news - go for it.  But before you do, be warned; this job does not come without its risks.  Risks that only the well established, well sunk in and completely invested writers know only too well.  So before you take up your mighty (metaphorical) pen, please take a moment to read the possible side effects;

1. By nature of the job and obsessive, compulsive storytelling madness, all writers are addicts in one form or another, they smoke, drink coffee or chew on food continuously throughout their working day!  If you should experience signs of addictions, try to go for long walks to clear your head.

2. Sleepless nights may be experienced, especially when a story has taken hold and the plot is thickening!  You will think about your novel day and night, night and day and if you do manage to fall asleep, you'll dream about it all night long!  Seek assistance through alcoholic sleeping beverages! 

3. No matter how good you are at writing, no matter how talented you may be, rejection will come to you in numerous occasions by the very same people who actually make a living by promoting people like you.  One of the main reasons you will hear is that although you are talented, your writing is witty and style is unique, they can not place you among the same, same numerous writers that are out there! In the event of this occurrence, simply disregard their advice.

4. Frustration will start to seep into your everyday life.  Anger too, you will become an angry person!  if this occurs, take a cold shower and have a little nap.

5. You may feel like packing it all in, thus you are in danger of inflicting injury on your computer; don't do that, computers are expensive!

6.  Due to compulsively working in your office day in and day out, your office may resemble a rubbish tip; this is a common side effect of the writing profession, if this happens seek immediate domestic attention!

7. In some cases your relationship may suffer as a result of prolonged writing. In this event, seek counselling and take a vacation with your spouse, the symptoms should subside in a few weeks.

8. On very rare occasions the writer may suffer from delusional arrogance, this is normally a side effect of becoming lost in your own mind. If symptoms persist consult your mother.

9.  One in a hundred aspiring authors may experience signs of tinkering madness, this should pass within a year or so, drink plenty of wine.

10. In severe cases an aspiring author may experience symptoms of sudden reality jumping up at them, this should be handled carefully and expert advice should be sought immediately.

Good Luck and enjoy your new profession.

YOU ARE NOT MAD, YOU ARE A WRITER!

AUTHOR'S CORNER;

YOU ARE NOT MAD, YOU ARE A WRITER!

Ever questioned your sanity?  Have you ever stopped for a second, a God damn split hair of a second and stared at your computer screen and wondered if you are actually normal?

I mean, what are you doing?  Banging away at your keyboard obsessively day in day out, like you are possessed by some satanic force, getting involved in fictional lives which seem to be far more important than the real world around you?  What for?  How for?  These characters that have sucked you into their wretched web and kept you there for almost a year, compelling you to go on... to go on with their lives, whilst yours comes to a metaphorical halt.  Surely insanity is as insanity does, right?  You have abandoned living to bring them to life.

Will people like it? - You don't know.  Will it sell? - You don't know.  Do you have a publisher yet?  If so, will they like it? - You really don't know; do you?

But you still write every single day, relentlessly, as though you were digging for treasure, people laugh, some tut in marvel, others (and only a few) admire you.  But you don't care, you can see the story and it must be told!

Regardless of the consequences, which in itself leaves you quite nervous and a bit snappy!  You have a vision and it must be seen through the eyes of the world!  Are you unstable, have you finally (just as your great aunt had once predicted over a distant Christmas Dinner) gone mad?

Relax, you are not mad, you are a writer! Yep, you read it right, a writer, which I dare say by nature may portray signs of madness, but not actually quite doolally, (though my advice would be to keep an eye on yourself; it could flip) and by your nature your mind kinda looks like an overcrowded library.  You are probably well read, well versed in language and your imagination never asks for permission to soar through the iris of your eye and onto a page!  

You see, writers are the sort of people that only believe what their mind's eye sees and live through the confusion of their brains, allowing the noises, senses, indulgence and fantasies to dictate their whole existence.  No one is forcing us to work our fingers to the bone, typing away on our keyboards, no one is paying us (well, not yet) for all our tireless efforts, yet we do it; and not only for the love of it, but because we have a vision, a story has formed and it needs to be told.  We have magic, yes that's right magic, because with our magic we create worlds, we inspire readers, we nudge the emotions and awaken the compassion.  This, is our gift to the world.  

And (yes I did start the sentence with 'and', but I'm the author, I can do as I please) we see the world in shadows, because everywhere we look, each person we see, we are able to pull from them the shadows of their essence, the shadows of their likes and dislikes, the shadows of their life in technicolor! We have the gift of sight, sight into the soul of characters.  And every writer will tell you, people are author's material, all characters stem from someone we have encountered, albeit enlarged and magnified.  

Our words, our pages, our finished books -  magic, wonder and insight!  So no, we are not mad, we have not gone insane. And even if no one ever reads our books, even if we never become among the few that are famous; You are not mad, you are a writer, you are magic!

AUTHOR'S CORNER;

WRITING, THE BEAUTIFUL SIDE!

We always moan about the solitary and frankly boring side to being a writer; all those days, weeks, months or even years, stuck in a poky room, with nobody to talk to, pounding away at your keyboard, wondering if you are actually writing something publishable or a whole load of rubbish!  There is no gratitude to writing; it is not a craft which easily rewards you and it often goes unnoticed and is accompanied by an awful lot of rejection.  It instils a desperate feeling of dejection in a person and is riddled with self loathing, self doubt and very low self esteem!  

One can't help but feel a bit foolish when one is attempting to become an international author.  After all, until you have actually made it as an international, well acclaimed author, nobody actually knows a thing about....in fact, they don't even really know about you!  Think of all the metaphorical bleeding one does from their fingertips and their heart, just to churn out a novel, and even then, there is more bleeding to be done, in the form of editing and receiving many rejection letters!  Who in their right mind would choose this as a profession?  You might as well visit the zoo and jump into the lion's cage; it will be less painful in the long  run!

But wait, let's not paint the picture completely black; black pictures have no meaning and often the artistic point is completely missed!  Yes, yes, all of the above is true; writing is a bitter sweet slow death that must only be attempted by the very brave or the suicidal! But there is a good side to writing, a beautiful, magical and amazing side which only true writers fully appreciate and understand; that's why they keep doing it!

Unlike the other so called artistic professions, you can age to your heart's content!  Writers do not need to look fabulous, or young, or pretty or even presentable!  In fact a writer's persona is like a good wine, the older it looks the better people expect it to be!

This is one of the few jobs which you can actually use age as a bonus to your C.V. a sort of qualification and merit to your position!

It is the only job in the world which allows you about a thousand coffee breaks a day! try that in your office job or your retail job and see how long you'll last!

 

How many jobs do you know which allow you to talk to yourself, read to yourself and basically crack inappropriate jokes whenever you feel like it, not to mention swearing?

You can combine art with knowledge and experience and be the mad scientist of your own little insane world without being in danger of being committed to an institute!

If needs be, you can hang out in the seediest places without your partner batting an eyelid, all in the name of literary research!

This job gives you licence to eat whenever and however you like!  In fact it is a requirement of the job!

The nature of this profession comes with a lot of hope and optimism; just because you ain't made it yet doesn't mean you won't!

The best thing about this job, is that your family can't put a deadline on how long you take to actually finish your work! Once you are sat at that desk (even if you are brain dead) you are officially working!

The added bonus, is that you know that no matter how long it takes you to make it as a writer, no matter how slow it is to get that best seller out there, your friends, family and neighbours are helpless but to watch you try and make it, feel jealous in the process and admire your conviction from a distance!

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Hey guys, now that I have been brave enough to put myself out there...yeah, out there... in cyber world and the likes of twitter, facebook and Google+!  

Well now that I've been bold, brave and even slightly stupid (one might say) how about a little interaction??

Though to date I have had over 27,000 viewers on my blog, I am saddened to say - that not one of you good people have ever ventured to talk to me!   One feels rather rejected and dejected all at once!

Yeah you read correctly; I want a little interaction!  Become a member on my blogspot - thus giving you immediate right to questioning, harassing, intimidating, annoying or (only if you are feeling generous) complimenting me and engaging me in literary conversations! 

Lonely is the life of an author, sometimes one would appreciate a little interaction, from literary freaks to distant enthusiastic types, everyone is welcome!  I would love to hear from writers alike, poets, rappers, avid readers.  I want to know what interests you, what books you like and what genre!  Tell me about your favourite authors and I will tell you about mine, (no, I won't say me) and we can share in the best or worst fiction we have come across.   And although some of my cousins from across the pond may find my spelling a little weird, please remember that I am English and therefore spell in a nonsensical way (sorry guys) and hope you do not judge too much!   

I will also welcome snippets of your own work displayed on my blog, (but guys I mean snippets, not full blown manuscripts) as a means of showcasing your work to my viewers....can't say fairer than that! 

 So what do you think?  Shall we get creative?? Get those discussions underway?  Get that old competitive streak all fired up?  Join me on 

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