AUTHOR'S CORNER;

BOOK SIGNING YOURSELF OUT OF STREET CRED!

Unless you happen upon a multi-million dollar book deal, and you have film companies queueing up to make a movie out of your book, you may find that you are faced with no less than a nightmare when it comes to setting up, participating and indeed executing a successful book signing!  

Why?  I hear you ask as you scroll down your page wondering what a demented, ungrateful idiot like me is going on about!  After all, book signing is every writer's dream, it is the light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak!  It is the final notch on that fictitious bedpost of literary achievements, right?  WRONG!  

Unless you are a celebrity book signing can be a bit of a hit or miss, mostly miss!  Yes, you read correctly; I said miss!   As a new aspiring writer, all one wants and dreams of is to get their books published and read, and of course to make a success out of their work.  And what better way to confirm success than to hold your own book signing?  Surely this is the mark of achievement, this is the milestone that if obtained everything else will miraculously fall into place.  You are practically famous?  NO!  And further more, it is fair so say that if you were nearly famous or had any sort of street credibility, you may very well be in danger of ruining it all in attempting to participate in a book signing!

WHY?  I hear all the yet-to-be published hopeful writers ask.  Okay, let me take you through the pitfalls of book signings....

1.  FINDING A LOCAL BOOKSHOP.... 

Finding your local bookshop may seem easy enough, but in reality can prove to be the most difficult task of all!  You see as the recession has hit, one will find more and more shops closing down, and the ones that are not closing down are either too small, or too busy or simply are not prepared to take the time and effort to accommodate a book signing for you - the unknown, insignificant writer!  Even though, effectively, they won't be spending a penny as they can return unsold books....but...no!  Your search may take months!

2.  APPROACHING THE BOOKSHOP.....

Now this may seem easy in principal, but as any hard working, hopeful unknown author will tell you, you may be able to find the shop, go into the shop, even approach the counter, but not necessarily find the right person to speak to!  They are in a meeting, they are out for lunch, they have gone on holiday...they have recently passed away!  Try again another time....

3.  THE VERY CROSS SHOP MANAGER....

Okay, so you finally manage to track down that elusive shop manager and you politely ask for the possibility of a book signing...you are met with a very angry person, (for no apparent reason, you said please and thank you)  who reckons that you are wasting their time!  How dare you ask for a small table in the corner of their shop?

4.  THE ADVERTISING OF THE BIG DAY....

So great!  You finally manage to find a placid bookshop manager and get him to agree to a book signing.  GOOD FOR YOU!  Now comes the tricky part...you need to let the world know!  Easy?  Not so easy!  Most of your twitter friends probably live in America, so that rules them out.  Your Google+ friends also mostly live abroad and your facebook friends have never actually seen you in the flesh!  Local newspaper editors think you are a deluded nut case for daring to ring them up and asking them to mention your book and the event!  Even the mums at your child's school think you are some crazy person who is harassing them into coming somewhere YOU are lying about!

5.  SITTING PRETTY.....

So there you are; on the big day, with your table and your books around you and pens at the ready!  But hang on...where are the interested fans?

6.  FREEZING SMILE....

Nobody has come up to your table yet....don't worry, whatever else you do, remember... keep smiling!

7.  THE HARASSED SHOPPER....

At last somebody has come into the shop, and not only have they made it half-way past the best sellers, they are coming towards you!  You smile, they blank you, you smile again and say hello, they look straight through you.  So you try to approach them, they give you a look that can curdle milk and they blank you BIG TIME and walk on, you are acutely aware that the shop staff have seen this!

         

8.  THE WELL READ CURIOUS CUSTOMER.....

Okay, so at last, an hour into this book signing event somebody wants to speak to you! Yipeeee!  They approach you, you get ready to look intellectual and give it your best sophisticated act, complete with posh accent and straight posture!  But much to your dismay, you have got yourself the most well read person on the planet and they want to engage in a literary discussion with you complete with the entire works of Shakespeare, Charles Dickens and other writers you have NEVER heard of!  Oh and 'Can you tell me who you write like?' is their final nail in the coffin question for you!

9.  THE ARGUMENTATIVE CUSTOMER.......

This is the toughest customer of all, for a customer like this only values his/her opinion and believe me, they have an opinion on your book even though they have not yet read it!

10.  THE OH I COULD HAVE BEEN AN AUTHOR CUSTOMER.....

Listen at your own risk, to the customer who keeps your undivided attention whilst they tell you that they too used to write and how they nearly became published!  Meanwhile, they are subtly scaring away all other potential customers because they are blabbing on too loudly!

11.  THE KIDDIE CUSTOMERS........

Those are by far the worst type of fan base anyone can wish for, because they absolutely have no intention (or money) to buy your book!  They have been sent over to your table by their parents to amuse themselves whilst their parents shop in peace!  And yes, you have GOT to be polite, their parents might be potential customers.

12.  THE FUSS ABOUT THE MESSAGE.....

Yep, once you have found someone who is willing to buy your book, you will be requested to write a message in it which is sometimes longer than the book!

SO LET'S RECAP

In your quest to better yourself and arrange a book signing, you have had to endure quite a few humiliating situations.  You have been given the run around from local shops who are trying to avoid doing a book signing with you.  You have been spoken to rudely and quite harshly by shop managers for daring to request a book signing.  You have had to invite complete strangers over social network sites to you book signing, risking your privacy and your health and safety in some cases.  You have sat for hours like an idiot in the middle of the shop smiling at passers by in the hope that they may speak to you.  You have been blanked and ignored by frustrated shoppers.  You have been cross examined by a particularly well read freak!  You have had an argument with an idiot who although has not yet read your book, let alone bought it, thinks you could have written it better!  You have had to listen and console a would be writer and agree with them that of course they could have been a better writer than you, if they had WRITTEN!!  You have ended up babysitting customers' kids.  You have ended up writing a whole chapter at the front of your book where your signature should have gone, as a message, of course!  And at the end of the day when your feet are aching and your head is spinning and your fingers have cramps, have you sold hundred and hundreds of books? NO!

And as you leave the shop and bid the staff farewell, they smile at you and in their eyes you can see the mocking glances and the hidden laughter.....'What an idiot!' they would later say!

AUTHOR'S CORNER;

ONE FOOT IN WONDERLAND

The trouble with writers is that we seem to spend most of our adult life in delusional fantasy.  Not only have we convinced ourselves that we can write well, but we have deluded ourselves into thinking that we be the greatest writer in the world, that our words will change humanity and our wisdom is second to none; our pen is our magic wand and if we wave it, all things good must come to pass!   We spend many nights in solitary depression wondering, (marvelling at the stupidity of humanity) asking the universe the same question over and over again; why have I not been recognised yet?  We look down upon those illiterates who refuse to read our books and laugh at the narrow mindedness of critics when they venture to tell us where we are going wrong!  

Within the walls of our minds we can hear our story resound over and over again and we know we are right, we know our words ring with the clarity of a bell and our wisdom is unblemished!  We can hear our imagination and it is good and deep and twisted and it is as if the thoughts have been sent from the heavens!  And we know that if we just share with enough, if we just impart the magic, then our fire will tame and the burning desire in our hearts would calm down, if we could only share.  

We are not deluded, we are just trying to hold on to hope ,

hope that sustains us, that keeps our sad little hearts beating, that otherwise would whither and shrivel in the stark light of day and leave us small and exposed.  We are holding on to the only thing we have; our words.

We are nothing if not our books, then what else is left if we were to admit that our books were nothing?  

They say every author has a victim, someone who is always chosen and read bits of unfinished work to.  If you happen to be that victim, you should think yourself lucky, think yourself honoured, for you are our lifeline, you are the ears by which we judge our work by, yours is the expression by which we measure our worth by and your eyes are the glimmer of hope that we hold on to as we watch for your reaction when we read to you.  

And yes, we may be slightly deluded, we may be slightly over confident, and grossly mistaken, but so sadly alone in our plight and sometimes so forsaken.  We may come across as a bunch of heavy, conceited, arrogant, over opinionated, know-it-all middle-aged farts.  But scratch the surface and you might find fragile, frightened, self-doubting, struggling writers who have nothing to offer other than the imagination which resides in their minds and a the skill to be slightly clever with words.

Having hope is key qualification to being a writer, for without it many a writer would have given up within the first few years of trying.  So the next time you see a rather stressed, rather nervous new author book signing at your local bookshop, please don't just ignore them, don't shrug and walk past them, don't act as though they are an irritation.

They don't even expect you to buy their book, all they would really like, all they really need is a little bit of acknowledgement and interest shown in their book.  Stop at their table, take a look, (it won't kill you) let them introduce themselves to you and give them the satisfaction of recognition!

Give them a little hope and perhaps they in turn might give you something wonderful; they might give you a best selling novel one day!

AUTHOR'S CORNER;

STUMBLING BLOCKS

Having spent over a year as a published writer, I have come to a sad yet wonderful realisation; a realisation which can only descend upon a once deluded author after all the excitement and euphoria has worn off.  I have come to the realisation that being published is only the very tip of the ice burg!  The difficulties that lie ahead for a newly published, unknown author are enormous, there are large obstacles in the way, such as marketing, publicising, selling, people....people get in the way, opinions get in the way, other competitors get in the way....even your own ego gets in the way!  In short, you have not made it just because you are published!

YOU MAY BE PROUD OF YOUR WORK....BUT SO WHAT? 

You may think that you have written a masterpiece, but then again, so do all the other authors out there!  You may think that your work is worthy of reading, is worthy of praise, but that is only your opinion!  The hard part is convincing the rest of the world.  As well read as you are, as literate as you are and as clever and witty, remember, you are only you  and you have sixty million other people to try to convince......it seems an enormous task!  

The confidence falters and the willpower fades as you venture into the world of published authors and realise that there are thousands of you out there, all competing for the same spot in the limelight!  And let's face it, no matter how good you may be, no matter how clever, how twisted your plot may be, there is always someone who is better!

Often you feel like you are climbing a slippery steep mountain.

AND THEN THERE IS THE HARD FACT......

The publisher, that wonderful, clever, powerful publisher who is extremely difficult to get hold of, yet alone agreeing to sniff at your manuscript.  Publishers are very difficult to convince, they need to know you are good before they would consider reading your work.  Which begs the question, how will they know if you are good or bad without reading your work?  

There is only one way of ensuring a publisher takes a good look at your manuscript; shaft them on a desert island with nothing other than your book!  Leave them there for at least a few weeks (which ensures they would have read your book at least three times over) and then on your return they may (not necessarily) agree to publishing.

AND THEN OF COURSE THERE IS THE .....

Yes, the literary agent, from which all glory and all fame stems!  For believe me, without one you are doomed, yes doomed, even if you have found a publisher!  Unless you know the business inside out, you really need a literary agent!  The only problem is....they are harder to find than the publishers!

FIND ONE AND TORTURE THEM UNTIL THEY AGREE TO REPRESENT YOU?  UM, NO!

GIVE UP?

DESPAIR? 

WHAT DOES THE MONKEY THINK?

You've come this far, don't give up.  Consider yourself a success, albeit the road is stretched out far ahead and you haven't even made miles yet!  You are a writer and the fact that you have been published, recognised, and read (even by a few) is a step in the right direction.  It is not easy, but nothing worthwhile is ever easy, keep writing, keep publishing, keep knocking at all possible doors. One day enough people will read your work, enough shops will stock your book and enough twittering will fly about the cyberspace and you will suddenly realise that you are famous!

YOU'VE GOT TO DO THE TIME IN ORDER TO EARN IT.

AUTHOR'S CORNER;

POST WRITING BLUES

Once again I find myself overwhelmed with a deep sense of depression; the kind of depression which seeps in through your chest and spreads and engulfs your entire being until there seems absolutely no hope whatsoever...hope of what?  I don't know!  I feel uncomfortable, as if awaiting a tragedy, I feel fidgety and restless, my mind is racing and my eyes are tearful.  I have a dread which sits upon my heart and, frankly, I feel like I need to run!  And I know I should not be depressed, my logical mind tells me that I have a lot going for me, that my world is near perfection and my ambition on its way to being fulfilled.  So why the unnecessary and unwelcome sense of 

paranoia? 

Sometimes I suspect that I create the drama within the walls of my mind; that my mind has a tendency to flip and switch from euphoria to rock bottom depression within a split second.  I feel that the chemicals of my brain, or the connections or wiring, if you like, sometimes gets mixed and tangled and my mind just switches from one mood to another with no good reason!  My temper is such, my kindness is so... I seem to constantly tinker on the thin borders of happiness and sadness, calmness or nervousness, neediness or coldness!  

I often don't understand myself, only that I know that I am.  And indeed what I am depends very much on how I am.

But I can link it to one common source, my mood is played upon by my creativity; when I am writing I am a much better person, when I am not writing I am failing, (in my mind at least) and therefore I am not good, not in mind, emotions or indeed beauty!  I suffer from a disease that only plagues writers - in short, I suffer from the real world!  For my safe world is my computer, my imagination and the world in which I create.  The real world frightens me and puts me in my place.  And in the real world, my place is a very small, tight, insignificant little place and I feel suffocated!  

In short, like many a writer, I suffer from post writing blues!

If I am not writing, then I have to be me, and me is not always ready to face the world!

But in thinking about this, I can't help but come to the conclusion that this in itself is not a bad thing; it is after all what drives a writer to write and it is that sense of awkwardness with the world that makes us see it so much more clearly.  We are nothing more than mimes, who have chosen to use the pen as a means to express what we see.  And just like any mime, we are utterly hopeless and less than ordinary without our masks that hide so much from the world, yet enable us to say much more!

And much like a mime, we always approach our audience an empty, blank vessel and then pour out so much more as the act goes on!

AUTHOR'S CORNER;

IN A WORLD OF CELEBRITIES....

In a world jam packed with T.V. programmes, glossy magazines, YouTube clips and home made videos which are sprawled across the internet left right and centre.  Where reality television has made ordinary people into celebrities and given them right of way to stardom, where the trend is to follow the outrageous and to like what is simply visible on T.V. and to admire it and hold it in high esteem.  In this world, that has opened up doors and made available many an opportunity, and has been less discriminating against people, one can't help but feel that the more doors open willingly and easily for the masses, the less chance and space the ones with talent actually receive!

When there is a million dollars to be made out of a book deal with a celebrity who has appeared on a reality television show (regardless of whether the book is well written or not) and the fan base is already established, as opposed to a new writer (albeit talented) or a position on telly, or a chance for a recording deal...  all will go to the celebrity first.  Because (and I know I shouldn't start a sentence with because, but hey, I frankly don't care) in short, all one needs nowadays to get somewhere in life is to turn up on some obscure reality show, make a fool of themselves and get the public talking, albeit  they may be outraged, you'll still end up being famous and then anything, anything at all, your fickle little heart desires, you shall get!  

AM I RANTING?  A LITTLE!

Talent has become, alas, nothing more than a business!  You can be the most talented person on the planet, but if dim Tim from Big Brother is likely to sell more books, sell more records, get more ratings for a new game show, then dim Tim is the flavour of the month, and to hell with you Mr Nobody Talented Sad Person!

And what a shame, because the more Talent is diluted for the sake of what is trending, the more bad work is put out there the more we lower the standard and bring people's expectations down and thus create a sub-standard and soon, very soon and without prior warning, talent would be a thing of the past and all that we will have is crap!

IMAGINE BEING ENTERTAINED BY CRAP?

It reminds me when in the late seventies the government decided to lower the reading and maths standards so that every child could obtain and achieve; the result....many an adult with reading and arithmetic difficulties!  And yes I get it, publishers want to eat, T.V. channels want ratings, recording companies want  to sell, but come on!  Don't sacrifice everything you stood for for a load of celebrity crap which is  the demon that media has created and the serpent that will push your industries down!

NO WONDER MANY WRITERS, MUSICIANS, ARTISTS are going it alone and self producing their work!  

Remember the times of Fred Astaire, Marilyn Monroe, Elizabeth Taylor, Charles Dickens, Fay Weldon, Shirley Bassie, Tom Jones?  Remember when talent used to actually be talent?

Am I ranting?  Yes, and why?  Because I, like many others out there, am sick of seeing talentless people jumping the queue when there are so many talented people out there just waiting to catch a break!  

SORRY....NOW THAT I'VE GOT THAT OFF MY CHEST.....

I can go back to shining like a star!

AUTHOR'S CORNER;

SHAKESPEARE'S VALENTINE

So the romantic time of year has rolled up again and you just don't feel....romantic!   Posies, hearts and chocolate don't quite seem to cut it with your 'love' mood and neither does an episode of Two And A Half Men with a cup of tea and a cuddle with your partner seem to do it!  Bring back Charlie Sheen!  

You would think, that as an author and a composer of words and scenarios, you'd be able to conjure some sort of romantic ambience between you and your partner, to at least give St Valentine the recognition he deserves.  And certainly on television, our well accomplished actors are telling us this, they are showing us this, with an array of romantic movies and happy-ever-after fairytale endings!  If they can do it, why can't we?  

You look at your partner (who is oblivious to your concerns) and wonder if once again, you really have to go through the  motions of flower buying and trips to the cinema followed by a curry!  Of trying very hard (after like a lifetime of marriage) to whisper sweet nothings into your partner's ear and talk the 'sexy' talk!  You've said it all before!!!  Nothing will impress!  There is nothing your partner can say that will actually send frenzies of desire up and down your spine, there are no words powerful enough that could possibly conjure up the magic of imagination and unbridled youthful 'love-juices', worse, if you think that is bad, there is nothing you can actually say or do that will remotely move your partner in anyway, shape or form!

SHALL WE DIVORCE?

NO, DON'T....LET'S SEE WHAT UNCLE SHAKESPEARE HAD TO SAY.....

Let us take a look at good old William Shakespeare and try to understand from him how love should be viewed...  

1.  I WOULD NOT WISH ANY COMPANION IN THE WORLD BUT YOU!

(The Tempest)

When you are bored with your partner, look over at him/her and think to yourself, would you really, could you really, ever, ever, wish anyone else to be sat there on the sofa beside you watching yet another re-run of Friends?  If not, then my friends, there is love there....and yes, there is hope. 

2.  MY HEART IS EVER AT YOUR SERVICE.

(Timon of Athens)

In spite of the arguments, the irritations, ask yourself how do you really feel about the person you are with, do you, in that moment of clarity and silence, give yourself completely?  Would you sacrifice the world for him/her?  Are you happy when you make your partner happy?  Yes?  Good!

3.  LOVE LOOKS NOT WITH EYES, BUT WITH THE MIND.

(A Midsummer Night's Dream)

When you look across the room over to your partner, the same partner who has been with you for the past five, ten, fifteen, twenty or thirty years, what do you see?  Do you see an ageing, balding, wrinkling overweight person who has frankly seen better days?  Or do you see that young, vibrant man/woman of the summer of 89?  That same youthful person you fell in love with all those years ago!  If when you see your loved one, the grey hairs, the fat, the not so youthful complexion pales into insignificance and all you can see is him/her, then you are still in love sweetie!

4.  ABSENCE FROM THOSE WE LOVE IS SELF FROM SELF-A DEADLY     BANISHMENT

(A Midsummer Night's Dream)

Even though mostly your partner is beginning to drive you crazy, they nag, they demand and generally they moan about every thing they can moan about!  Their habits are irritating and they always turn the channel over when your have become engrossed in the programme that they have made you watch in the first place!  But ask yourself, can you survive without them?  Would you miss them terribly and be a good for nothing blubbering heap of wreckage if they went away?  You would?  Hold on to that thought!

5.  THE COURSE OF TRUE LOVE NEVER DID RUN SMOOTH

(A Midsummer Night's Dream)

Think about it, it may have not been a fairytale, Hollywood, hyped up illusion of loved up couple; but then again, if it was, it would be sooo boring....YAWN!

6.  LOVE HAS MADE THEE A TAME SNAKE.

(Othello)

Since you've been with him/her, have you mellowed over the years?  Do you find yourself more tolerant of situations?  Are you generally a happier (albeit heavier) person?  If so, then this love has been good for you!

7.  LOVE SOUGHT IS GOOD, BUT GIVEN UNSOUGHT IS BETTER.

(Twelfth Night)

Yes it would be nice if he/she showed how much they love you more often!  It would be lovely to hear it, but remember, if you give your love freely, then more than likely they will give theirs!

8.  LET'S GO HAND IN HAND, NOT ONE BEFORE ANOTHER.

(The Comedy Errors)

Remember, you are a partnership, not competitors!  If love is to last and continue, then you must become one, not two separate entities!  

9.  O, SPIRIT OF LOVE, HOW QUICK AND FRESH ART THOU.

(Twelfth Night)

Finally, do you get moments, albeit fleeting seconds, when you look at your partner and feel as young and invigorated as the day you first met?

I THINK WE CAN CONJURE UP THE LOVE MOOD AFTER ALL!  HAPPY VALENTINES!