AUTHOR'S CORNER;

DOES MY BUM LOOK BIG IN THIS NOVEL?

Okay, so I've been working the keyboard and my fingers are as nimble as can be!  They look so pretty and slender and they have shiny rings on them and my nails are painted bright red, how lovely! but after a solitary year at my computer, writing my novel and stuffing my face with treats (well, writing uses up a lot of calories) and with my book signing event looming, I have noticed that....well...to put it bluntly, I have noticed that certain garments I own no longer seem to fit!

This strange phenomena has left me    feeling a little distressed, to say the least!

You see, whilst I have spent many a day and night writing to my heart's content, drinking coke and other fizzy drinks to my heart's content, not to mention snacking on tiny morsels of food such as chocolates and peanuts and sweets and my all time favourite, bread and butter sandwiches, my waistline has seemed to strangely expand...

No longer the sexy, slender diva I once was, I find myself struck by what can only be described as sheer and utter plunge into depression!

(Yeah, right, I really did look like that!)

What's more, there is less than a week, a single, solitary, God forsaken week left to go before my book event!!  A single week in which to try and lose those extra pounds!  Yikes!!  You see I have fallen into the literary trap that most writers fall into whilst trying to create their masterpiece, it's called the writer's binge!  This is a strange and spooky, almost paranormal happening which inflicts many a writer on dark and lonely nights, on long and dreary days; it is a sudden, yet subtle urge to eat, eat, eat, drink and eat some more!!  A train of endless cups of coffee, hundreds of soft mints, bars of milk chocolate, apples by the barrel load, sandwiches at the ready (and God help you if you are trying to give up smoking) all find their way to your desk.  And without you even realising it, your hand, (the very same hand that writes your novel) creeps along that desk and snatches and devours and places items to your mouth!

I have discovered a before and after picture!  Only the truth is in reverse!!

I used to be the after, now I'm the before!

I have frightened the cat on several occasions!  It no longer recognises me! 

My husband almost lost his life when he suggested I diet!

And then the truth hit me, I looked in the mirror and resembled my favourite snack!!

aaaaaaaaaah! aaaaaaaah! aaaaaaah! aaaah, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!

WITH ONE WEEK LEFT TO GO, AND I'VE GOT TO LOOK GOOD PEOPLE!  I HAVE DECIDED TO...

Exercise....

and exercise..

and exercise....

And soon,

soon, I shall look like a diva and go shopping for a spanking brand new outfit to wear for the book event!

Hmm....yeah, in my dreams, who am I kidding?  I have less than a week to go and my hunger tolerance is none existent!

Or I could just work with what I have!  

AUTHOR'S CORNER;

THE SHADOWS ON THE PAGE

It's all well and good placing an idea down on paper.  One can write about subject X moving from one end of the country to the other.  One can make subject X meet subject Y and they can fall in love and live happily ever after.  One can also take a used teabag and reuse it!  

Some of, no, all of the best writers I've read have been not one, not two, not even three, but four, five, six ....infinite dimensional on paper.  Their writing has hidden meaning, concealed emotions, pasts, backgrounds, mental hangups, helplessness, all threading in and out of the main theme, all somehow intertwining with the characters, weaving in and out of their lives and personalities and binding them together! 

GET THE PICTURE???

Good writers portray the meaning behind their story, they link in emotions, ideas, thoughts, hangups and background into their story.  

It's the emotion behind the commotion, the tears behind the fears,

the fright behind the flight, the sentiment behind the argument, the gist amidst the mist!!! Gets the picture?  It is the ability to make the reader see why subject X has gone to the other end of the country; the past she may have left behind, the emptiness that keeps her running.  The love she is yearning for, and the mean expression that hides all this.  These are what I call shadows!  Because whilst you as the author are writing your story, say about X and Y, there are 'shadows' you thread and interweave into your novel which makes the novel fuller, fatter and with substance.  

Shadows which express fear. 

Shadows which portray an inner loneliness.

Shadows which possess an element of past need.

Shadows which show love.

Or dream of passion.

The woman scorned.

The lovers mourned.

A bond once broken.

It would be boring to completely analyse and describe your character in the first chapter.  The reader will have nothing to discover and will soon get bored.  It is more entertaining to weave those so called shadows, gradually and cleverly into the novel, each time revealing just a little bit more about your characters, like slowly unwrapping a bar of chocolate.  And because I consider the gradual intro of info as 'shadows' to my pages, I can play with them as I like, sometimes revealing them, sometimes hiding them, sometimes they just lurk in the background, silent and yet so very much felt!

AUTHOR'S CORNER;

ANNOUNCEMENT, ANNOUNCEMENT!!!!

Dear friends and readers and others who happen to be curious about what I have to say, it fills me with great pleasure and tremendous pride to announce that after finally writing and publishing my latest novel, The Devil's Truth, I have just received word that I am requested to do a book launch at Waterstones in Harrow.

The event will be held on the 3rd of July 2013, from 6.30pm until 8pm.  There you, kind readers, will get the chance to hear an extract of my new novel read to you through my own melodious voice, as well as the opportunity to ask me questions and finally have your very own copy of my new novel signed by me!

YIPEEEEE!!!!  YIPEEEE!!!!

But wait.....

OH MY GOD.....

OMG!  OMG!! 

Who me?  What me?  You mean I'm going to actually be reading from my book?

And actually stand there and answer questions about myself??

And pretend to be sophisticated and well read?????? 

In a shop, in a closed shop, surrounded by books and people who are interested in books????  A crowd????? 

A whole, entire crowd?

And still maintain my cool?

 Will I cope?

I SIMPLY MUST!!

So dear friends, readers and other kind people who are moderately interested in my books.  It gives me great pleasure to announce and invite you to my very first book launch event, (not just signing, oh no!) and I do hope those of you who live within a five mile radius (or more if you so wish to travel, though I don't expect you to book plane tickets) of Harrow, Middlesex, England, can make it.  

If you are interested, then please pop along to Waterstones Harrow and ask for your free ticket a few days before the event.

Look forward to seeing you darlings!!

Many thanks to the Waterstones, (at Harrow) Andrew, Alex, the guys who run the events team and of course, my publisher Austin & Macauley, for making it all possible!

AUTHOR'S CORNER;

HOW TO FOOL THE WORLD!

So, you've written the novel?  Well done you!  Now that you have written it, found a publisher who is willing to publish, and have it printed in book form, the rest should be easy, right?  No?  Not famous yet?  

In the scheme of things, the finding of a publisher and actually publishing the book should have been the hardest part, surely everything else should flow from this point onwards; after all, you, the author, have found a publisher who actually thinks you are worthy of publication, and if the publisher thinks so, then surely the entire world will follow suit?  

Unfortunately, (and I say this with a heavy heart and a slightly deflated will to live) the rest of the world needs to be convinced! It is not enough testament to have your book in print.  It is not enough of a credential to have a glossy cover or even a glowing review!  No, no dear reader.  Because nowadays the world has moved on, and people, even the ordinary non-celebrity type of people, have an opinion!  It is simply not enough for a book to be on a shelf in order to be deemed good.  It is not enough that you have earned the title of author....because author nowadays could mean anything!  

No, Nowadays, in a world full of glitter and sparkly internet tweets, one needs to convince the world that one is really, really, really good, important and very famous!  It is a celebrity world, not an intellectual one, it is a celebrity world, not necessarily a talented one! As long as you can shine and shimmer like a star, as long as you sparkle in your wake, then the masses shall deem you fit!  Tell them your merits lie in your literary abilities, even though you are as dull as a dishcloth, well then you are DOOMED!!

So how then do you get to this stardom kingdom that only the worthy seem to inhabit?  How does a cardigan wearing, coffee addict, sandwich eating, messy haired author elevate to the heights of stardom?  BY BLUFFING!!

HERE ARE SOME HELPFUL TIPS!

Forewarned is forearmed!  In order to know what makes people tick (respond to celebrity) you have to do your research, look up other famous authors, read their blogs, see what how they do it.  read reviews, understand how bookshops work, and LEARN how to talk nicely to store managers!!

MAKE SOME NOISE!

The best way to get anyone's attention is to relentlessly make a lot of noise!  Tell anyone and everyone about your new book!

USE THE BIGGEST TOOL INVENTED BY SATAN HIMSELF!!

Yep, you've guessed it, the web!  If anything can reach the masses within seconds, it's this little baby!  The brain of the future, the third eye....the...the...ooooh, it's scarier than a horror film!!  

ANNOUNCE YOURSELF LIKE ROCK HUDSON!

Who better than you is going to say lovely things about you?  If you say it loud enough and often enough, people will soon start to think you are important!

KEEP TALKING TO THE WORLD, THEY WANT TO HEAR!

Interaction is the best way to attraction! there are millions of people out on the net who lead ordinary lives who would love to interact with people such as writers, artists etc!  the more you interact, the more you engage, the more likely you become a real person in their minds, and the more likely they will tell their friends about you!  

WORD OF MOUTH!

Tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet on ....twitter!

GET YOURSELF OUT THERE!

Like any celebrity, you have to be visual!  Get as many pictures of you out on the net (polite ones please, remember you are an author) and get your face known, put a name to your face! So when people hear your name, or see your book on a shelf, your image will come to mind

WORK IT!

Be fun! Be funny! Be memorable!

BE SOPHISTICATED!

Yes, sophisticated, people always remember sophistication,

So though you might talk 'Like tha' ain't it?' don't ever do that in public!  Remember to put on your posh accent!

DO BE ECCENTRIC, PEOPLE LOVE ECCENTRIC!

Yes dears, people simply love eccentric, insane writers!  It's what writers should be!

BE FLAMBOYANT DARLINGS, THEY'LL BELIEVE YOU MORE IF YOU ARE!

When I was a kid my image of a writer was a sophisticated, eccentric, catty, elusive, crazy creature who was the life and soul of every party!  Even though I am now a writer myself, and I am in no way all of the above, in my mind's eye, that image of a typical writer has not changed! 

AND FINALLY, CONFIDENCE IN BELIEF BREEDS BELIEVABLE!

If you believe in yourself, and trust in your heart that you are a fully fledged writer!  If every inch of you is convinced about your own worth and achievements....then others will believe it, because you will be believable!!