AUTHOR'S CORNER;

DRESS ME UP GIRLFRIENDS

Now over the years it is fair to say that I have changed and adapted to my surroundings.  I have relaxed my opinions about the world and toughened up on my morals all at the same time.  And going through marriage, pregnancies and rearing all those wonderful babies, I have somewhat grown; both mentally and physically!

Whereby my beating heart was ever so compassionate and kind has nurtured, cared for and looked after everyone around me, it seemed to have forgotten the most important person, the person who without none of this would be possible; me. basically, I have sort of forgotten that I too am a woman and not just a mummy and am deserving of looking good, (or so my friends have gently reminded me) even if my husband professes to be too mature and far too sensible to ever let something like my lack of sense of fashion come between us!  So I listened to my well meaning girlfriends and lost weight.  

Which was a brilliant thing to do, (on my part) as it left me feeling good about myself.  The only problem was, after years of looking like a mummy and comfortably hiding behind all that mummy weight, after losing the disguise weight, I was also rendered frumpy and with no real fashion sense!  My one saving grace?  I was a writer and my brain was what made me attractive.  Not so, disagreed my girlfriends, a real woman always looks sexy!  So in desperation I turned to my friends for fashion advice!  

BAD, BAD, BAD IDEA!

So we hit the high street in a military force, they took it in turns to hold onto my hand as though I was a child and could not be trusted to walk unaided, and the look of determination on their faces was enough to frighten any hardened Taliban soldier back into his mountain cave. These women meant business and they weren't taking any prisoners!

And what potentially was supposed to be a fun day out with the girls, was soon proving a trying and seriously scary one!  

My friends hail from different walks of life, they come from different countries and have different professions; teacher, gym instructor, fashion editor, nurse and housewife all looked at me with tilted heads and bemused expressions.  Surely I didn't look that bad? We stopped dead in the middle of the food court and their eyes became somewhat fierce and darkened.  'Now Sam,' said teacher, 'let's be looking at you,' she circled me like a hyena.  'You don't exactly give off the image of a writer do you?  I think you need a new bra!' she declared.  The others started circling.

'What's my bra got to do with it?' I asked as I crossed my arms over my chest.  'You ought to do weight lifting you should!' said gym instructor as she reached out to touch.  'Get off!' I flinched.

Housewife stepped forward, 'You need to look sexy, sexy is always pleasing,' she suggested. 'Men like you better when you are sexy and feminine!' she affirmed.  'Tight pencil skirt, high heels and an uplifting bra, that'll do it!'  She smiled proudly.  'Excuse me,' I argued, 'there is nothing wrong with MY sexy!  My husband never complains!'

Fashion editor pushed her way through, 'Darling, Frumpy is so not you, I think Sam needs to do sophisticated, sophisticated is the new sexy darlings, she needs to look the part of a famous author!' she

looked me up and down and shook her head. 'I'm not a famous author,' I argued, feeling a bit irritated. 'I'm just an author, and I wouldn't say I was frumpy!'  I gave fashion editor a snake look and hissed quietly from behind gritted teeth.  

'But you do want to look good Sam?' asked nurse smiling sweetly at me.  'I don't think you are frumpy, maybe not so girlish, perhaps you ought to try girlish?' I folded my arms in objection 'I thought I was a girl!' I snapped. 'My husband thinks I'm very girlish!' I insisted.

'Well, he would say that, wouldn't he?' snapped nurse.  She sniffed the air in annoyance.  'This from Matron?' I snapped.

'I'll have you know nurses are supposed to be very sexy and girlish!' squealed nurse.  War had been declared between me and nurse; it was only going to get worse from there onwards.  

'Come on ladies,' said teacher.  'Let's not argue, we are all here to try and make Sam look better!'

'Try? Charming!' I snarled.                      'Come on Sam, you asked for our help, perhaps you should look chic, that always works for me!' she said.  I gasped and could hardly contain my outburst, 'You?' I protested. 'You work with kids, since when where you ever chic?'  Teacher looked at me crossly and sighed deeply, 'That is so childish!' she berated.

'Look girls,' said gym instructor, 'what Sam needs is to look young again, perhaps get with the times, look hip, look the business, be cool and hang with the crowd if you know what I mean?'  Gym instructor looked pleased with herself.  'Oh please,' I snarled, 'you're just as old fashioned and out of touch as the rest of us, you live in tracksuits!  And since when do you know anything about street talk?  And I really wonder why it is you all came with me, was it to help me or mock me?  Because so far between the five of you, you have deemed me unattractive, frumpy, boyish, unfashionable, outdated and in need of a new bra! I'll have you know I can be very elegant when I want to be,' I lied 

'Fine!' said gym instructor.  'If you feel that way?'

'Fine!' said teacher.

'Fine!' said housewife.

'Well, fine!' said nurse.

'Really?' asked fashion editor.

'Really!!' I snarled.

'Well then fine!' said fashion editor.

'Fine,' I said to fashion editor.  'Fine,' I said to the rest of them and watched as they turned on their heels and walked off.  

Charged with defiance and a surge of spite pulsating through my body, I went on a fantastic shopping spree by which I happily depleted all funds in my account!  And I did not stop until every last trace of their smirking faces had been erased from my mind, every pang of anger had been dissolved from my heart.  I shopped like there was no tomorrow, I shopped like I had been nominated for a book prize, I shopped like I had never shopped before; I shopped like a woman!!

All my new clothes hung beautifully and out of sight in my wardrobe, (luckily for me, my husband has his own wardrobe) and I felt a little foolish; because although I had dismissed my friends' unhelpful comments, in my wardrobe there hung Sexy, Sophisticated, Girlie and Chic!  Never to be seen in public, lest they think they've had an influence and my husband discovers where all the housekeeping had gone!  And when we eventually made up (as all good friends do) I put on my old jeans and black top (lest I lose face) and went round in humble form.  

The moral of the story of the story.... never let your friends take you shopping, they are not Gok Wang, he would have been far less cruel!