AUTHOR'S CORNER;

CHRISTMAS DINNER AND HALF A NOVEL!

After much begging to my butcher and an awful lot of smiles (more than is necessary for butcher customer dealings) I have managed to obtain that wretched elusive halal turkey!

He assures me that the big fellow is worth every penny and that he was hand picked from amongst thousands and slaughtered humanely by gentle hands! And what a tasty bird that one will certainly make around a festive table!  He even has a picture of him pre-dead, on his wall behind the counter.   Ah how sweet, he does look as though he is worth every penny!

Safe within the knowledge that I now have a turkey to cook and serve on Christmas day, I abandon     my novel and get to peeling a few vegetables!  At which point my entire family seem to be consumed by some obscure chore somewhere else in the house and they are nowhere to be seen and three of my fingernails have already chipped and broken!

I have no voice with which to complain, as I am calmly reminded that Eid is in fact OUR celebration and that I have chosen to do Christmas and nobody actually asked me to!  Well excuse me for trying to bring some Christmas cheer into our lives!

I think of my novel as I am busy peeling and chopping and it suddenly springs to mind with complete clarity, why it is my heroin is always so dark and moody and carries within her heart a tortured flame by which she wallows in self-pity and misery.  I finally began to understand, as I peeled away at the twentieth carrot, why my characters are such man haters and revengeful bitches to say the least.  I glazed the carrots with honey and knew instantly that my kids would not want to try any!  

I turned my attention to my turkey, now murdered and plucked and reminding me of a scene from my bathroom mirror when I accidentally dropped the towel as I shuffled out of the shower cubical 

(I shan't say in which angle I happened to look from, but enough said, you get the picture) and vowed to have that bloody mirror removed, of course objections from the family have meant that mirror is still there, taunting and mocking me every time I shower! 

The turkey (which I shall call Henry for now) plucked and headless, looked a bit bewildering, I set about preparing the stuffing and musing at how big the bird actually was.  As I stuffed Henry, Chapter Eighteen came to mind and I managed to figure out how my heroin will finally get rid of her husband!  She will have to kill him, behead him and stuff his body full of sawdust and then throw him into the river!  I found myself stuffing more vigorously as in my mind's eye, my heroin emerged from her room, dressed in red, with a mean expression on her face, she makes her way to the study where her mean husband is reading his evening paper; cigar in hand, whiskey on the table beside his armchair.  My heroin takes out the carving knife from her garter and she plunges it into his neck, slash slish, she beheads him!  

"How much did you spend on this?"

I am interrupted by my husband, and my novel seems to evaporate into turkey skin as I look up from the stuffing. "How much did you spend?" Repeats my husband.  I have to think quickly I don't want to get in trouble, "It is eight Kilos, darling, the biggest one I could find....considering all YOUR family are coming over!"  He waits patiently for my answer.  "It was only thirty five pounds!" I lie.

"Thirty five pounds for a bird?" asks my hubby. "Waste of bloody money!" he says!  

He walks out of the kitchen and my heroin returns with a vengeance "You had the knife just there," she says, "why didn't you do it?"

I find that working quietly is the best way to work; well that's what I tell myself, since no one is willing to help me!  But then wait, I hear a sound, it sounds like....hoovering!  I look out of the kitchen door and find my husband hoovering the place for me....Bless, and to think my heroin wanted me to behead him!  I am filled with new found love for my husband and berate myself for thinking badly of him!  I don't deserve him!  And for a split second I am full of guilt and remorse until...."How many Shloer drinks did you bloody buy?"  

 asks he who has now stopped hoovering and is looking in my fridge commenting and fussing over things he does not understand!  "I told you," said my heroin, "I told you to kill him!"

And just as I'm about to answer back, I hear a crackling sound and my nostrils are filled with the aroma of BURN.  I follow the smell to the cooker and peer into a pan which has a sticky orange goo at the bottom of it....I managed to burn the carrots!  Who the hell burns carrots?

My heroin and I decide that someone shall die before the end of the day; meanwhile, she is stood beside me in the kitchen whispering insane words into my ear.  I look at my half-stuffed turkey and decide that Henry is getting on my nerves!  

The heat is on and I really do want to get out of the kitchen, but I can't, I am trapped and I have guests coming and I will not, will not, lose face in front of hubby!  Christmas will go ahead!

The kids come into the kitchen and ask for lunch!  DO I LOOK LIKE I CARE?  I AM COOKING CHRISTMAS DINNER!!!  

"What is wrong?" asks hubby.  "You're not upsetting the children, are you?"

"No dearest I'm not!" I say sweetly.  My heroin hands me the knife...

My kids look at me then at their dad, they can sense an argument is about to break out and they are trying to decide which side to take.  I bite my tongue, smile politely and stick some chips in the oven.  I will win the day!!  My heroin hands me a fork and I stab the turkey! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!  I am sooo frustrated!

But then my husband smiles at me and gives me a kiss, "You have really made an effort Sam," he says as he gives me a cuddle.  He leaves and as he does, I am left feeling quite warm and fuzzy, it feels a lot like Christmas and I have new found optimism.  Soon the family will be here! 

"Ah well, Happy Christmas!" says my heroin, I smile at Henry, he was worth every penny.  My kids are giggling and there is a cheery atmosphere, I venture out of the kitchen to see.  They have put decorations up and the whole house looks Christmasy and dreamy!  

My turkey is in the oven, my roast potatoes are roasting, veg is cooking and I have peeled and honey glazed more carrots....the Shloer is chilling in the fridge and my heroin has made up with her fictional husband, I shall give them a happy ending for a change!

MERRY CHRISTMAS ALL!