AUTHOR'S CORNER;

WRITING THE CHRISTMAS SHOPPING LIST!

In this festive season, one finds it necessary to put down the wretched novel and turn one's attention to the dreaded task of shopping for Christmas stuff - such as (expensive and unnecessary) gifts for the family, cards for people you never really speak to and crackers which contain bits of tat and useless (unfunny) jokes!  Decorations which quite frankly you could make out of some old loo rolls, glitter and a glue pen, and fairy lights which only seem to work up until Christmas eve!  So with the metaphorical writing pen put aside, take up the dreaded shopping list and go forth into the world of the retail industry and mingle amongst the shoppers and stand in many queues and pray for the world to end!

'TO BUY OR NOT TO BUY?  THAT IS THE QUESTION.'

Buying presents for children is easy, all kids want is the latest toy, easy.  Buying for adults - not so easy; adults are fussy, ungrateful and generally grumpy and dissatisfied with life in general.  When buying a present one has to consider a few of the following questions and comments an adult relative may throw in your direction:  Have you not had time to shop this year?  Have you been busy lately?  Oh goody, another pair of slippers!  Didn't I give you this mug last Christmas?  I see you shop from my nan's catalogue.  Oh no, they've made you redundant!  
You go shopping, on the hunt for presents for those ageing relatives, those distant strange cousins and their even stranger spouses.  You linger reluctantly by the underwear aisle as your hand hovers awkwardly over the sequenced bras; would aunt Tracy like them?   Is it the type of thing one buys aunt Tracy? - You've bought her everything else over the years!  Your vision blurs as you relentlessly look at price tag after price tag, trying to keep a mental budget.  Your heart sinks as you approach the till, and wonder whether your credit card can cover it all!

When Buying that pair of boxer shorts for uncle Brian, or that egg whisker for Aunt Mavis, or that cheap, market perfume for mum, consider this - do you really want to upset them?  Or to put it another way, are you man enough to face yet another frosty Christmas dinner and a drunken slagging match at the end of the night?  You could have sworn that they gave you specific instructions last year not to buy anything expensive and to make their presents practical.  Oh how wrong you were to listen to them!  They didn't mean it really....they were lying, they were trying to catch you out!  THEY WANT YOU TO BE THEIR SANTA 


HOW DO I LOVE THEE?

As any ungrateful, unhappy, determined to spoil Christmas relative will tell you, a present is a symbol of your love and affection for the person!  When buying mum a cheap perfume, you are actually telling her that she is past her sell by date and that no living man apart from dad will ever sniff in her direction.  When presenting aunt Mavis with an egg whisk you are letting her know that her place is in the kitchen, when hurling a pair of union flag boxer shorts at uncle Brian....well, I don't even need to tell you!


O, CALL BACK YESTERDAY, BID TIME RETURN!
  
They all smile at you with dagger eyes; all your hard, tiresome, well intentioned work is fast fading, you want to die!  Christmas is officially ruined, your relatives hate you and you are in so much debt it will take you five years to repay it....and Christmas is coming round again next year!

HELP ME........OH HELP ME!


THOU ART ALL ICE, THY KINDNESS FREEZES

Now you are feeling frustrated, you know that it will all end in tears, what you have spent so much time on trying to make perfect is about to be dissolved the instant the presents are exchanged!  You can feel your mood changing, your temper is tinkering on explosion.  And it shows, it shows in everything you do and you become cranky....and your relatives will accuse you of being a MEAN OLD COW!!

And there is no way back, once a bad present has been given, it is etched in time and your name will be the topic of many a dinner party conversation.  And you shall be known as the stingy, the mean, the unkind!


THINGS WITHOUT REMEDY SHOULD BE WITHOUT REGARD, WHAT IS DONE IS DONE......

So this year, yes this year, when shopping, don't stress too much; you have already messed it up last year, they now have you down as a bad gift giver....just buy whatever you see on the shelf, wrap it up nicely and place a bow on top.  Hand them their presents, sit back and wait for their faces to drop!

After all, you are not Santa!