AUTHOR'S CORNER;

HIDE ME PLEASE; I'M A WRITER!

I've just finished the first draft proofread to my book!  As I downloaded and printed it out for checking I felt that familiar dread nestle in my chest and grow and spread to engulf me in mortified fear!  Why?  Which writer doesn't?  

But I am pleased to say (yes, very pleased) that for the first time in history I actually really, really, REALLY enjoyed it.  You see where as before I would have cringed at re- reading my own work, finding fault as I observed with a critical eye the produce of my labour, this time, much to my surprise and sheer delight.....I ACTUALLY QUITE ENJOYED IT!

It begs the question, why are so many writers very critical of their writing?  I mean, you write the novel and you think it's the best thing since sliced bread.  You then proceed in sending it off to the publisher and pride yourself on a great job (a whole year at least out of your precious life) and you sit back and delight in the fact that it will be accepted.  It does get accepted, you cheer, and your kids are once again safe from your bad, BAD temper!  Then comes the day (oh and it does come) when you are sent the first amended proofread for your 'consideration'  and ooops!  Oh my God!  Cringe, cringe, I could have done this better!  Of course the truth is....you did do it well, otherwise the publisher would never have accepted it in the first place!  You would have never sold a single copy, and nobody would have written lovely reviews about you on Amazon!  But nonetheless, you are eagle-eyed and very self damning and you just want to start again!

But as any artist (or arteeest, as I like to say) will tell you, we are very critical of our own selves; we doubt ourselves in almost everything we do, hence we seek to hide our self doubt behind our 'art' and pretend to the world that we are self assured, happy, stable and sane people!  My personal opinion, that's what gets the creative juices going - self doubt, the need for reassurance, the desire to be noticed and the yearning for recognition.  

We are fragile souls who may have insight but doubt our own ability to please.  We are tender beings who see the world intensely and in that intensity wonder if our perception is ever right or whether we are merely victims of unfulfilled childhoods or a stint of bad adolescence that has left us warped and scarred and a little neurotic to say the least! 

And more so, with every book we churn out we have given a little of our soul, exposed a bit of our emotions, added a chunk of our hearts into it.  We may hide behind our characters and paint a literary picture of love, deception, anger, hurt, insecurities; but all is a mask of inner, personal, heartfelt emotions - all masked by our deceptive disposition!

And I find myself asking, on this happy and rare occasion; did my writing improve, or has my confidence finally grown?  In my satisfaction at my pending novel, have I finally found the right formula, or have I finally grown to see myself as my readers do?  I think it may be a combination of both; for the more you write the better you get, and the better you get and the more people tell you, the better you see yourself!  

I shall dwell in my happy moment for a while; I've earned it!  And I shall finally (or at least for now) give up the self doubt and enjoy and accept that I have written a delightfully entertaining novel and wait....wait for it to be published in the new year and hope you all enjoy it!