THE GARDEN OF EDEN;

THE TROUBLE WITH MEN...

When Eve complained that she was the one who had the babies and at the amount of pain she had to go through, Adam laughed at her and said, 'Oh suck it up Eve, you were made for this type of thing, besides, do you know how painful it was for me to part with a whole rib just so that you could come about?'

When Eve happened to mention in passing about the problems she had to go through being a woman, and how her hormone levels would fluctuate depending on the time of the month, Adam simply replied, 'Oh for goodness' sake Eve, there you go again complaining, for God's sake woman, you are a woman!  And besides had that whole incident with the forbidden fruit not happen then perhaps the curse would have not been upon you!'

When Eve rubbed Almond oil onto her sore breasts after feeding the twins and moaned in sorrow at her discomfort, Adam sneered and shook his head.  'There you go again,' he said, 'complaining about the natural, what do you think they are there for?' he asked pointing at her breasts.  'How could you say they hurt when God made them for the purpose of feeding?'  

When Eve caught the flu and her lips blistered and her nose went red and her eyes drooped, Adam simply shrugged and said 'Just a little sniffle then?'  And he expected his dinner on time and the cave to be cleaned as usual and the children to be bathed and fed and put to bed.  He expected his loin cloths to be washed and ready for the next day; as he had a very important meeting with the other Adams.  And when Eve finally threw herself into bed late that evening, Adam sheepishly requested that she go and put the Catasourous out for the night, and bring him back a drink from the spring in their garden.  And how he mocked and teased poor Eve over the next few days, about her over reaction to such a minor chill.  

A few weeks later while Adam was busy relaxing and eating his freshly cooked meal, he felt a tingle run up his nose, and his eyes became hot and heavy, he felt a fuzz surround his head and all of a sudden he let out a SNEEZE!  Immediately he jumped to his feet and then collapsed again in his chair.  'OOOH,' he moaned loudly so that the entire neighbourhood could hear.  'Oh, oh, ahh, ahh!' he cried as he rubbed his head and patted his chest.  'What is it Adam?' asked Eve as she came to his aid.  'What is wrong with you?'  Adam patted his head and moaned weakly.  'Are you hurt?' asked Eve as she came up to him for closer inspection.  'Have you hurt your head?' she asked.  Adam shook his head and patted his chest. 'Have you hurt your chest?' asked Eve.  'Did someone shoot an arrow at you?'  Adam shook his head and held onto his side.  'Have you fallen on your side and broke a rib?' asked his poor wife.  Adam finally looked up at his  wife and sneezed once more.

He looked up at his wife and sneezed again and breathed heavily and moaned pathetically.  'You've got the sniffles?' asked Eve.  Adam shook his head and with a look of betrayal he said 'It's a bit more than the sniffles!'
'A cold then?' said Eve.
'A bit more than that,' he said.
'A really bad cold?' she offered.
'More,' he snarled, 'have you no sensitivity?'
'Flu?' she said reluctantly.
'Woman have you lost your senses?  Do you no longer care for your husband?  The husband who gave up a whole rib for you, who sacrificed his happiness and freedom and let you have his children.  The husband who has to endure your fluctuating hormone levels and mood swings!  have you no more kindness left in that hardened body of yours?' ranted Adam.  'What I have is a very serious illness indeed, I may never recover and then where will you be?'
'But what is it?' asked Eve feeling worried.
'It is...' said Adam with a doomed look upon his face.  'It is...MAN FLU!!!!' he said as he buried his head in his hands and stumbled off to bed!

  

THE GARDEN OF EDEN;

HOW DO I LOVE THEE?

'How do you love me?' asked Adam of Eve.  

'I'll show you,' said Eve. So she ran to the fresh spring and washed her beautiful hair and ordained it with blood red roses.  'Very nice,' said Adam.  'But how do you love me?'  

'I'll show you,' said Eve as she rushed off to the garden and with the juice of pomegranates, stained her pretty lips until they were lush and alluring.  'Not bad,' Adam observed.  'But how do you love me?'  She giggled cheekily and winked at him, as she ran off into the forest.

Eve found a beehive and from it she extracted some wax and melted it over a fire until it was liquid and hot.  She smeared the hot wax over her legs as she bit down on a bark to stop her screaming.  Once the wax had set, she yanked it off and with it all the hair on her legs.  She showed her long, smooth legs to Adam and he smiled coyly.  'Lovely,' he said.  'But how do you love me?'

Eve ran off in search of strawberries, mashed them up into a purée and smeared them onto her cheeks, which made her appear to be blushing.  'Not bad,' said Adam as he admired her.  'But how do you love me?'  Eve frowned at this and she felt she had to try harder.  So in an attempt to please her beloved, she picked a large coconut, halved it, made holes on either side of each half, threaded vine through them and made a constraint for her breasts, which held, constricted and lifted them all at once.  She showed her beloved.  this pleased him, but he asked once more, 'How do you love me?'

Eve thought long and decided to do something spectacular, so she found a couple of feet sized logs, attached a five inch rock to the bottom of each ( bound together by vines) and she strapped them to her feet, which only served to enhance her long glossy legs.  Adam liked this, for a little while, and then asked, 'And how do you love me?'

Eve decided that perhaps actions speak louder than words, and she set about cooking her beloved an extravagant meal, which she found hard to do in her new bosom constraints and her block buster heels.  She served his meal and with the remainder of the bee wax she made some candles for special effect.  Adam ate up his meal by candlelight and drank some raspberry juice.  After his meal he then turned to her and asked, 'How do you love me?'

Eve proved this by waiting hand and foot on her beloved and still he asked, 'How do you love me?'  She had his babies, cleaned his cave and cooked him three meals a day.  She grew tired from all the cooking, plump from all the baby making, her bosoms hurt from the manufactured constraints, her feet ached from the block busters, her face itched from the strawberry stain, her legs blistered from all the hot waxing, and she was in constant discomfort.  All the while Adam grew stronger, handsomer, and happier.  He ate well, had many children to entertain him and his wife was colourful, smooth, and wore the most amazing and interesting booby constraints, which kept him amused.  

So when Eve finally asked of Adam a simple question; a question which perhaps she might have been expecting an amazing answer to, instead she received an answer which left her in deep shock and long contemplation.  She asked of Adam after a tiring long day, 'How do you love me?' hoping for a life changing and self fulfilling answer.  Adam answered her question with a simple, swift, yet complex reply which left Eve and all the other Eves ever since in confused contemplation;  the answer was ...'I am here aren't I?'

THE GARDEN OF EDEN

THE GARDEN OF EDEN;

WOMEN ARE NEVER SATISFIED!

Said Eve to Adam one day, as he was settling down for the evening, 'Adam, I am fed up with wearing fig leaves; all the other Eves in the neighbourhood are wearing furs!'  So in attempt to please his beloved, Adam sought out a man named Selfridge, who was rather artistic, and he commissioned him to gather furs and fashion them into a garment for his wife. Eve wore the fur proudly and paraded elegantly in front of the other Eves; who were green with envy.

'Adam,' said Eve as she handed him a Cowasorous steak, 'I am tired of hunting for your food each day,I am a busy woman, and have so much work to do, wouldn't it be lovely if somehow our meat was caught and delivered to our cave?'  So Adam found a hunter named Asda and got him to hunt for their meat and have it delivered to their cave.  Eve was very happy with this and she boasted to the other Eves about how much spare time she now had on her hands.

'Adam,' said she on a rainy day,'ever since I have acquired those furs and I find that I have so much washing to do!  My hands are so sore and wrinkled from washing in the river!'

So Adam had a word with a friend of his, who owned a pool with mutated fish who swam around in circles and created a whirling motion, to see if perhaps they may put his pool to some use.  So Eve was able to dump the furs into the Whirlpool and the whirling motion tossed and turned her furs until they were clean. Eve found that she had time to grow her fingernails and she stained them a colour orange from the leaves of a plant that grew in her garden; much to the envy of the other Eves!

'I hate making fire!' she said to her husband as she cooked his dinner one evening.  'All that rubbing of sticks and banging two rocks together!  I wish I could find a better way!'

Adam went on the hunt for a Cookersarous; an elusive little dinosaur, who, if made angry enough, would blow fire out of his nostrils. After catching him, taming him and teaching him to obey man, he brought him back to their cave and set him in the corner by the food items and told Eve to hit him with a stick twice each time she needed fire, and to give him a cool drink of water when she wanted his fire to stop.  So Eve did this and she managed to use his fire to cook all sorts of delicious meals with.  And all the other Eves watched jealously as she fired up the Cookersarous and cooked her meals! 

'And wouldn't it be lovely if my feet did not have to endure the roughness of the ground?' she asked her beloved in a passionate embrace. Adam found a man named Clarks and he commissioned him to chop off the feet of a Bearasarous, hollow them out so that his Eve may place her own feet inside them.  Eve was delighted with this, as she slipped her feet inside the hollowed out Bearasarous feet and paraded like a catwalk model in her neighbourhood; this caused a few fights amongst the other Adams and Eves!  

Adam was quite pleased with his efforts and he rewarded himself with a cold drink from the mountain springs and an ant snack gathered from his own garden, and he sat down with his feet up feeling proud of himself. But his pleasure was soon cut short, as Eve stumped into the room fuming with anger. 'Why are you angry, my beloved?' asked Adam.  Eve turned to him and screeched 'You show me absolutely no attention!' she cried. 'I feel neglected in this relationship, I try to make myself pretty for you by wearing furs, by not scrubbing my hands to the bone and painting them orange for you! It takes a lot of effort to keep you happy Adam, what with firing up the Cookersarous each day, going to the Whirlpool to wash your clothes and having to wait for hours for a cave delivery from Asda and not to mention wearing those Bearasarous feet, which kill my back! But I do it all for you!'

Adam scratched his head and looked puzzled. 'What do you mean?' he asked.

'I mean, I do all this for you, but what have you done for me lately??' she said!  

AUTHOR'S CORNER;

THE GARDEN OF EDEN

Said Adam to Eve on a glorious day, 'Come here Eve, I'm gonna get you all hot and bothered!'  Eve smiled shyly at this and contemplated a favourable time.  So she went to Adam, all smiles and blushes.  She held out her arms for Adam and awaited his attention.  'But first,' said Adam, 'I wouldn't mind a nice cup of tea.' So off she went, out into the fields, past the river and up to the steep hillside, where she hand picked the finest tea leaves, which belonged to a tea farmer named Tetley, who charged her three whole fig leaves for her purchase!  And she dried the leaves in the hot sun, fetched some water from the river, rubbed two sticks together to start a fire, and boiled them up to brew.

After he drank his brew and sighed with delight, Eve stayed shyly by his side, awaiting his attention.  'Oh,' said he, as he reclined back in contemplation.  'Wouldn't it be lovely if I had a nice hot sizzling steak to fill my belly?'  So off she went out into the wild with a sharp jagged piece of rock that she had found the week before, and some wooden spears, which she had made the previous month (to pass the time away) in search of some poor prey.  She hunted down a baby Lambasorous and hit it hard over the head with her jagged rock.  After hacking at it, skinning it and slicing a thick piece of meat off its carcass; she set about the process of fire making once more and cooked it to perfection.  Adam ate it all up, with not so much as a thank you.

'Oh Eve, darling,' said Adam at last.  'This cave is getting rather dirty!'  So Eve ran outside to fetch her pet dinosaur named Hoover and she made him suck up all the dirt with his hairy snout!  She sat beside Adam, feeling rather tired, but still she smiled and batted her eyelashes.  Adam smiled back and reached for her hand, his touch was warm and tender.  'Do we have any reading material?' he asked.

She went to her study section of the cave, and chiselled upon a tablet of stone all the gossip that had been going on in the neighbourhood. Feeling quite proud of herself she handed it to her beloved.  Adam chuckled to himself as he ignored her for half an hour and read the latest news.  After which he sighed quite loudly and said, 'I could murder a nice cool drink!'  At this Eve got quite cross, she could feel the anger rise in her chest; she stamped her delicate foot upon the stony cave floor and placed her hands upon her hips!  'Adam,' she said in high pitched tone, 'you have had me running around for you the entire day; I've made you tea, I've made you dinner, I've cleaned the cave and even fetched your tablet! I have been waiting patiently for you to keep your promise and what have you done about it?'  Adam looked at Eve and shook his head in mockery and smiled cheekily at his wife.  'I told you I was gonna get you all hot and bothered!' he said.

AUTHOR'S CORNER;

THE CHILDREN!

The children of Abraham all pride themselves on being the chosen ones!  Yet how can we be chosen if all we do is kill the other to make room for ourselves at the gates of heaven?  This is not a competition, this is a test of compassion, obedience, faith!

 

CHILDREN OF ABRAM!

This was not the promise made when first the promise was made!

This was not how it was supposed to be, or how it was intended!

This was not the pact we made, nor the vow that was once said!

This was not the way Abram's children were meant to behave!

Ours was the enlightened path, and the road to our salvation.

Ours was the hand of peace and God's glorious kingdom.

Ours was the veil lifted off the heart and the true revelation.

Ours was forgiveness, compassion and love for all mankind.

The hand of mercy, the smile of compassion upon an orphan's face.

The cry of peace, the tear of joy, the tender beating heart!

The tear wiping hand, the loving gesture, the heartfelt embrace.

The children of Abram, giving freely what their father preached!

Divided into three, one here, one there and one searching for home.

Divided into three, each taking up arms against the other.

Divided into groups and in darkened anger destined to roam.

Divided are the children of Abram, all connected to one source.

Put down your arms brothers and stop destroying your brother!

Put your anger to one side, you come from the same side.

Put your faults into prospective and stop blaming the other!

Put down your arms brothers and read once again your book.

The children of Abram; the children of Abraham!

The sons and daughters, the nations and people.

The soul and heart of all that is meant to be man!

The divided and united in the quest for God's Kingdom!

Put down your arms brothers and rejoice with your brothers!

Let us unite in the love of God, the love of all that is good.

War only takes away our families, our fathers and mothers!

Put down your arms, and read your books, and Merry Christmas!

AUTHOR'S CORNER;

IT'S GONE QUIET IN MY HEAD!

Um, hate to admit this, but my mind had become somewhat extraordinary quiet of late!  It is not that that I have suddenly found myself brain dead and unable to connect thought, it is not the sort of quiet where sleep takes over and all one could do is drift drearily through the day waiting for bedtime to arrive!  No, one does find thought connection, and the eyes are not heavy and filled with sleep (though at my age, sleep is always welcomed) nor am I finding it difficult to interact!  So what, you may ask, is this quietness of mind?  

Let me explain; I am a writer, I have been since I was born, though of course to the untrained eye, this was not noticeable at first (it took my parents almost two decade to realise this) as my condition was interpreted by teachers and family as being a hopeless dreamer!  My dreams or imagination, so to speak, have been with me from day one, speaking to me, whispering in my ear, telling me stories and enlightening my path through life!  Not one moment has passed without my trusty shadows walking beside me, guiding me and keeping me company, smoothing the day and quenching my overwhelming thirst for adventure!  My characters have not been so much made up - as more accurately interpreted from the depth of my mind, described upon the pages of my books and brought to life in colour, given a voice and allowed to roam free within the context of a novel!

But of late, due to life forces and rude incidences of uncontrollable events, I find that the people in my head have slowly but surely become quieter!  I am not used to such abandonment and it unsettles my fragile soul!  I go to the computer, click onto a blank page and try to summon forth a friend or two, but they are reluctant to appear, and they whimper and scurry to the far corners of my mind; leaving behind a space right in the centre of my head....and it's empty and cold and all I hear are everyday thoughts.  I coax them with images of landscapes, gangster dens, broken homes.... but still they turn their faces away and shield themselves behind masses of grey matter and will not participate in my quest for storytelling!  Perhaps they have tired of me and have given up; perhaps I was not a good enough host and they seek another!  Perhaps they were never meant to be there in the first place!  

I cannot abide a life without my mind friends; they are the only characters I trust, the ones I relate to and take comfort from, they are the only quirky people who understand me... and what's more, as real as they are (and they are) they are not real, not people as such, not like the human race that eventually lets one down! Because of them, I have been able to go places I could have never physically gone, I have been able to do things I would have never done, I have been in love and out of love, in lust and out of lust, in danger, in greed, in unbridled aggression and untamed adventures - all within the pages of my novels, all within a world which is infinite and vast and deep! They are part of me, part of my fractionated self, part of my essence; all individual, real and oh so very much alive!  Through them I have lived many lives, died many deaths and filled my lungs with sordid air, exhaled twisted tales, let life pulsate through my veins!

And yet, you say this to your average Joe, and what does he call it?  Writer's block!!

As most writers will tell and relate; any idiot who refers to this condition as mere writers block is a babbling buffoon!  For us writers, our characters are not just words to story; they are our friends, our brethren, our inner, most secret, fractionated parts of ourselves!

AUTHOR'S CORNER;

WANNA HEAR ME TALK DIRTY?

THEN COME TO THE 

Where I, Sammar Ally will be inside The North London Tavern, 375 Kilburn High Road, London NW6 7QB at 7.30 pm giving a tantalising talk about .... wait for it.... EROTIC writing!!!  Tickets cost a mere £8 (over 18 only please) and I'd say that's a snitch to get to see me thoroughly embarrass my lovely little self!  Just kidding!  

Seriously, I would love the pleasure of your company and support, dear readers as I give a talk about my books and how eroticism can be incorporated (ha) intelligently into a good storyline!  My journey through the pits and falls of trying to find a publisher and how I came to accidentally (yes, accidentally) find myself writing, oh shall we say, the erotic side of literature? 

When is this spectacular event, I hear you ask, well brace yourselves.... it's on Halloween! 

Yes folks, Halloween, the scariest night of the year and I'm probably giving the scariest talk of my life!  I ask you, what could possibly go wrong??  

 So come along, I promise you'll be entertained (though I will NOT be wearing that costume!) and join me in a night of conversation and Q&A delivered to you by yours truly!